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Is supplication for the destruction of kuffars wrong?

2009-10-12T12:13:00.006-08:00

I recently read about this Saudi cleric Sheikh Salman al-Awda (BBC) who wants to stop having a supplication for the destruction of "kuffars" at the end of Friday prayers. Of course, he added the caveat that if "kuffars" are harming Muslim interests it's ok to pray for their destruction. (gotta have that out to placate the masses, donch'a know)

What does that say about Islam and Muslims? ALL non-Muslims have the potential to become Muslim. Sometimes I think that born Muslims forget that once upon a time, their ancestors were "kuffar", too. They forget that Allah (swt) created ALL of us and chooses to guide whom he will to Islam. The very person whose destruction you are praying for today may be in the row right next to you tomorrow.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of weeks. At first I was really ticked off that anyone would be praying for my destruction (after all, I've been non-Muslim most of my life) EVEN WHILE I WAS LEARNING ABOUT ISLAM. While I know that no one was specifically singling me out, it still hurts. I don't understand praying for the destruction of innocents just because they are different from me.

I asked myself "Would I still have become Muslim if I knew that potentially millions of people were praying for my downfall?" Alhumdilliah, the answer was (and is) "YES!", but I must add a caveat. I most likely would have decided to avoid interacting with folks who actively pray for the destruction of millions of people based on their religion. It seems safer to avoid the judgemental in favor of those who concern themselves with their own actions and reactions.

I ask myself "Should I pray for my family, who are all kuffar, to be destroyed? Or should I pray for Allah (swt) to guide them Islam if it pleases him? Or should I pray for Allah (swt) to guide all of us to a better understanding of Islam and his directions?"

After hashing it out in my mind, now I'm just disappointed and dismayed by my co-religionists. And I think I will continue to supplicate for Allah to guide my "kuffar" family to the light of Islam, rather than their destruction.

Irresponsible Hunters Tick Me Off

2009-10-08T12:19:00.005-08:00

I was reading my fav free online newpaper for the Kenai Peninsula the other day and came across an article about two dufus' shooting a bear from the road. Redoubt Reporter

What really ticked me off isn't that they shot the bear, it's that they didn't take into account that the bear could have gone crazy and attacked someone after they wounded it, they broke the law by shooting from the edge of the road (that section of the highway is a no hunting zone for 1/4 mile from the edge of the pavement), they are such lousy shots that they shot it in the *ss rather than set up for a better shot, and further broke the law by finishing the bear off while standing in the road.

As someone who used to live near that area, this story brought up how many times irresponsible hunters would shoot near my cabin and in general make life miserable due to their lazy attitude about getting more than 10 steps off a road to hunt. Invariably, the hunters were not locals and were jerks whenever you confronted them about shooting near your home or in your yard.

As a former (and probably future) hunter, I hate to see anyone not following the regs. I was taught that you respect the animal, respect folks property and safety, and follow the law. It especially chaps my hide when folks aren't safety conscience and can't kill the animal with a minimum amount of suffering. I hope that these two get the book thrown at them, have their guns confiscated, and are heavily, heavily fined.

I won't expound on the stupidity of folks endangering their lives (and their kids) by being so close to a bear as well as endangering motorists lives by impeding traffic on such a blind corner on an extremely narrow highway.

I'm baaaack! Maybe.

2009-10-06T12:18:00.002-08:00

I think the title says it all.

Expect occasional and way random posts on news, thoughts, and life experiences.

2008-06-15T23:01:00.002-08:00

Salaams and howdy to anyone who's stopped by to see if I'm still alive and or blogging. As you can tell, I've been really lax on the blogging front. Life has been totally crazy for the past several months and in the prioritizing of my life the blog continues to fall somewhere below washing the car and repotting my houseplants. Insha'Allah I'll be less... hectic in the future and can get back to my internet ramblings.

I finally finished the house except for putting in the baseboard and other trim and tiling the kitchen backsplash, alhumdilliah. The lady has yet to pick those out so once she does I'll finish up. I spent the end of April and first 1/2 of May really hitting the jobs hard so I could take nearly 3 weeks off to go visit my folks. All I can say is "Alhumdilliah, my weekends are my own again!" and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief.

I went to visit my folks and my brother and alhumdilliah things went as well as can be expected. Alhumdilliah they were understanding and flexible with the various things in their life that can create problems for me. Unfortunately, Mom shrunk all my new salwar kameez so I am now the proud owner of several pairs of highwater pants, lol. Insha'Allah I'll be able to stretch them out or... something along the lines of a strip around the ankles or...?? Anyways, we all had a good laugh about it, since I'm usually the person to mess up the laundry.

Before I went my gardening partner and I built a 6' tall fence around our 400 square foot garden, turned the soil, and planted the entire thing. Insha'Allah we will have a good harvest and can eat well and share the wealth with those in need. And insha'Allah the weather warms up... the daily high temp has been in the mid to low 50's for weeks, which is not conducive to really good crops (other than the root crops) but is, apparently, conducive to growing weeds. I spend 2 hours today weeding and I can barely see a difference, lol.

Things continue to be busy on the work front. Still working at the office, still got the editing gig, and now I'm back to mowing lawns. Suprisingly, lawn mowing pays really well. The average price is $40 for about 2 hours of work, and since I enjoy being outside and mowing I can hardly classify it as work. This year I am only using a push reel mower, since I'm trying to be environmentaly aware and everything. Plus, I can fit it into the trunk of my car and easily transport it around to my various gigs. Insha'Allah this summer isn't one of those really wet ones 'cause that will make using the reel mower a real drag.

Otherwise, not much really going on. Just getting into the summer groove and hoping to spend lots of time camping. Gas is $4.25 a gallon so I've got to be selective in my camping trips, tho. Is it better to take more short trips or fewer long trips? Some of my usual places are quite a drive away and I may have to forgo them this season. We'll see...

President via Osmosis

2008-04-23T21:36:00.003-08:00

I thought I would be able to not post about the presidential election, but I just can't resist anymore. For those who don't know me, I am a right of center liberal who happily votes for whichever cantidate I think is best. With one GIANT exception. I absolutely cannot stand the Clintons. To me they embody everything that is wrong with our political system. There isn't a special interest group they won't take money from, there isn't a lie they won't tell to get power, there isn't a person they won't step on to get what they want.

Obviously, I won't be voting for Hillary if she is able to bribe her way to the nomination. I can't vote for McCain (what person of good conscience can?) so I guess I will be again voting for the third party cantidate. Or doing the write-in thing.

Like many folks I have questions about Obama. I wonder if he will walk the talk if he's president. But I know he can't be any worse than Hilly or McCain. Lets face it, if he just sits there and doodles on the presidential stationary he can't be any worse!

And for all the feminist Hillary supporters out there I have some questions. What ever happened to the ideal that a woman should be valued for her own worth? For having an identity of her own, without her husband? For earning her own way and obtaining her position based on her own worth?

Would Hillary be running for president if her husband hadn't been president? What has she done that countless other women of her generation haven't done? What has she done that distinguishes herself from those women? Would she have become a senator if her husband hadn't been president? Would she have become a senator if she didn't have political chits gathered while her husband was president?

I believe she was a decent first lady for Arkansas. I believe she was a decent first lady of the U.S. I know she used her positions to try to do good for citizens. But, so do/have countless other women who have been "first ladies". I know she spent years working on social issues. But so have countless other women; women, who, I should add, have done so without being married to someone with political connections.

From what I've seen she has done a decent job of capitalizing on her "good" fortune of marrying Bill. Do I think she has done anything to make herself especially qualified to be president of the U.S.? Nope. Do I think being first lady qualifies her to be president? Nope. If it does, then I should quickly marry a soon to be governor so I can be qualified to be governor, too. THEN, if he becomes president I'll be qualified to be president TOO, instead of being just a governor!

Blog Maintenance

2008-03-10T22:10:00.003-08:00

Phew. Finally done "updating" my blog. Hope any readers out there like the new colors. If you have problems with viewing please let me know. (the resolution on my laptop is somewhat suspect right now)

I added some of my fav movies just for kicks. I don't really watch movies much anymore (don't have time) but there are some I might revisit in the near future. *wink wink* for my movie buddy... You should be expecting my call, lol.

Flaming weekly update

2008-03-09T21:12:00.003-08:00

It's been an interesting couple of weeks.

Several sisters and I have been attending lectures, interfaith discussion groups, ladies teas, and sundry other events as part of a community education project. It is sponsored by the local private college and alhumdilliah they have arranged for many guest speakers to come up here and talk about Islam, culture, politics, and other topics. (if you are interested in learning more their web site is: http://engagingmuslims.alaskapacific.edu )

Their last speaker was Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi. Masha'Allah he is a knowledgable brother and generously shared his knowledge with the community at several functions. At the end of the month Dr. Ingrid Mattson is coming, insha'Allah, and several of us are very interested in hearing what she has to say. And, insha'Allah, the sisters will be having a private meeting with her where we can discuss various issues.

Unfortunately, this program has created some division in the local community. There are some who say that since it has been arranged by non-muslims (I REFUSE to use the K-word) that muslims shouldn't attend. Others say that the speakers are too moderate, or Shia, or whatever and we shouldn't participate. I'm not sure of the validity of their arguements, but insha'Allah they are making them for the right reasons and out of a fear of Allah (swt).

I couldn't find anything online saying we shouldn't attend because of the non-muslim thing, but I don't have direct access to a scholar so Allahualim as to that. As for the moderate/Shia/whatever thing I think folks are thinking that the speakers are perhaps innovators, but again, Allahualim. I did some research on them and while a couple are what might be termed "left of center" and one as a "reformist" I don't understand the overall arguement against going. If I were to take someones opinion without proof that would be wrong, and to my mind the best way to get proof is to listen to them speak and read their writings. Insha'Allah I'm not doing anything wrong by attending and seeking knowledge.

One good thing is that Dr. Siddiqi gave a very good khutba while he was here. He said many things that I agree with and once again I learned something new, alhumdilliah. During one of the q&a sessions he said some things I didn't agree with (based on what I've learned) but Allahualim. Another good thing is that the community is coming together more often than usual. We are trying to have a potluck dinner for each speaker and other smaller community only events.

On the home front I'm sick again. Same woman coming to work while contageous, same result: over half the office out for days. I finally succumbed last Tues. and missed the remainder of the week. Of course this crud moved down into my lungs so I'm hacking and wheezing all the time. But, alhumdilliah I'm getting better and can start getting back into the routine. I realized the other day that it's been almost a year since I was really sick enough to go down for the count, alhumdilliah. My wonky immune system appears to be functioning better after that last round of supressant therapy.

And on a lighter note, I almost set fire to the microwave today. One bowl of flaming potatoes and several coughing attacks later alls well. Alhumdilliah. Sometimes you just can't win for losing.

2008-02-24T21:45:00.002-09:00

Bet you thought I was done blogging. And... perhaps I am. So many times I've sat down and written something only to delete it. Or I've been driving somewhere and thought "That'd be an awesome blog topic!" only to get home and think "Nah, that's boring..." and not blog.

But here lately, I'm thinking I should go back to blogging. So here's a quick rundown on some things in my life:

Still working remodeling projects. Working on a kitchen now (same house)... took it down to the bare walls, tore down some, built some, and just have 2 cabinets and finishing work to go and I'm done. After I finish I'm not starting another one till fall/winter, insha'allah.

Picked up a part-time job as a technical editor for a private consulting firm. Insha'allah this job works out and nets me some other editing gigs. I enjoy doing it and insha'allah the experience/skills will be useful if I ever leave the AK.

I'm adapting to the "new" job. The pay cut sucks, but alhumdilliah there's less mental anguish. I still feel like a loser cause I couldn't hack it. Life, however, is a series of trade offs. Fewer bad dreams and less suspicion towards my fellow man vs. "professional fulfillment" and using my ridiculously expensive degree/training to their fullest... Right now it's personal fulfillment for me.

Sold the truck and bought a newer compact car. Phew! What a change!! I've discovered that I was spoiled by my truck. This winter we've had a fair amount of snow and man, I miss that "full metal vroom vroom". However, I don't miss the horrendous payouts at the gas station, the sometimes questionable starting ability, or the on again, off again heat. The new car is front wheel drive, very low to the ground (it's relative, of course), not completely metal, and gets great gas mileage. Alhumdilliah, so far no wrecks or close calls, insha'allah I'll make it through the rest of the winter ok.

Hanging with friends, trying to give equal time to volunteer projects, and have plenty of "me time", too. Tough juggling act, but alhumdilliah I'm managing.

Joined a gym and trying to lose weight, insha'allah. I'm enjoying the exercise and looking forward to better health (insha'allah). I realized this winter that since I've moved to town and didn't have to "hussle my tush" for the basics of life that I've really packed on the pounds. As my health has declined I've gained more weight, which contributes towards poor health, and thus I seem to be firmly entrenched in the cycle. Insha'allah I can slow or reverse the trend and do better.

Avoiding numerous members of the local muslim community. There's a TON I could say on this, but I'm trying not to backbite so here are the basics:
-I try to avoid folks who run around proclaiming their salafi status and don't act it.
-I try to avoid folks with an "Us vs. Them" mentality.
-I have grown to HATE the term "kuffar".
-I avoid folks who say to avoid mixing with the "kuffar" (or imitating them) yet feel ok with sucking off the "kuffar" social services teat.
-I try to avoid folks who's standard answers to questions are "Because my husband said so" or "Because my husband said it was wrong".
-I seem to have developed an aversion to people who feel it necessary to chastise me for everything I do (working with men, working for "kuffar", volunteering with non-muslim agencies/projects, going out after Mahgrib (which, btw, is at 3:00 PM in the winter and since I'm not independently wealthy (or insane) I need to leave the house!!), and on and on.

I've realized I need to be less harsh with folks. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt, step back and stay quiet. Breath deep before speaking. Fear Allah in what I do, say, and think. If I don't think I can do that, I avoid folks until I've got myself under control. (I'm not just refering to my interactions with Muslims on this one...) Speak up when I see someone doing something wrong. Don't be afraid to call folks on things. Listen with my heart rather than my head/ego when folks advise me on things.

A mini list of things I need to do include:
-Work on gaining Islamic knowledge.
-Work on not letting folks hypocrisy falter my faith.
-Work on implementing my Islamic knowledge in my life.
-Fear Allah in all I do.
-Work on being less stubborn.
-Work on getting over myself.

Now I just need to get to work... but first I better get to bed. Monday awaits...

Shamed

2007-11-26T17:45:00.000-09:00

Ok, I know I hardly blog anymore, but I just have to get something off my chest. So, anyone who bothers to drop by will be subjected to a rant (provided you read any further). So, at the risk of offending readers, be warned, read further at your own risk.

I had dinner last week with a sister and eventually conversation got around to discussing the "Quatif woman" who was gang raped in Saudi. I conveyed what I knew about the case and this woman went off on how it's all a lie and if it happened the woman had to share the blame and how the Muslims are being corrupted by "kuffar", yadda yadda.

I was so taken aback by her attitude that I was initially speechless. Once I got over that, I decided to keep my mouth shut and have felt terrible and angry about it since.

First, even if a woman is walking down the street barely clothed she doesn't deserve to be raped and she's not at fault. Same goes with a man. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot without an ounce of charity in their hearts and minds and Allah forbid they ever be raped and then have some dumbass say they're at fault, too.

Second, it's not "kuffar" corrupting Muslims, it's OURSELVES and the SHAITAN corrupting us. No one (Other than the shaitan and ourselves) can make us do anything. WE fail to control ourselves, period. We choose to be seduced by porn, billboards, scantilly dressed people, etc. We know these things are haraam and a test, and we will be asked to answer for our failings on the day of judgement. I can't imagine that Allah (swt) will take "but the kuffar made me do it" as an answer. (but Allah knows best)

Third, WHAT IS WITH THE CONSPIRACIES??? Seems like the common response to most of the negative things in the media about Islam is "it's a hoax" or "it's a lie". Now I like a good conspiracy as much as the next wacko, but give me a break! EVERYTHING in the media is NOT, repeat, NOT a hoax/lie. There's a grain of truth in almost everything, ya just gotta dig for it. It's called research, folks. DO some and LEARN something (maybe even the truth). And, just for the record, the "conspiracy" excuse looses its potency after the first 2 million uses.

Now, here's my problem. I'm so ticked off at myself for not calling this woman on this cr*p. Astagfirallah on failing to do so. I may not be a very good Muslim, but I would like to think that I'm a decent human being, and as such I should have defended not just this woman but all people who have been violated. I have my own reasons for failing to do so, but that is no excuse. So, I'm ashamed of this person's attitude, but more ashamed of my own failings. And I should be.

On Being Superwoman

2007-11-01T23:29:00.000-08:00

Howdy, folks (if anyone still drops by my negelected blog). I freely admit that it has been forever since I wrote anything on here. I have been re-learning the "can't be superwoman" lesson.

I'm sitting here tonight feeling totally guilty cause I didn't do what I said I would. Which is totally horrible of me, and brings up tons of issues for me. You know, the kind where the mental soundtrack plays things like "You're not dependable, you're lazy, you don't keep your word, you suck, you should be doing more, working more..."

But, I just needed a break from things. I feel so worn down; I'm being extra crusty with folks (which is really saying something!), I'm not sleeping again and when I do I'm having nightmares, I'm falling asleep when I shouldn't be (in the shower this morning, at meetings, driving yesterday), and I seem to be always late getting everywhere.

I just seem to have so much on my plate and can't seem to organize my life to keep everything from getting all mixed up. And it doesn't help that I'm a workaholic. Between my two jobs I'm working over 70 hours a week. Throw in the time I help my neighbor (she's dying of cancer and is a shut-in), volunteering for Project Archaeology, and trying to have a social life and my schedule is pretty well booked.

I was keeping everything together fine until recently. There is a sister here who is dying of cancer. She was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago and has asked that there always be someone there with her. The daytime hours are mostly covered but the night coverage is thin. Since I'm a night person I said I could sit with her for 2 nights a week till 1 am (about 5 hours a night).

Well, two nights a week has now morphed into 3... 1 am has morphed into 3 am... and I am just wiped out. I had forgotten how hard it is (both mentally and emotionally) to spend that much time in a hospital. Especially when the person is terminal. And doubly especially when I'm hospital phobic to begin with.

In general, I hate hospitals. I spent months in the hospital throughout my childhood. I spent months with my Dad in the hospital while he was dying. And again with other relatives. And now with my friend. Every time I go there I want to throw up. I get the shakes, I'm nervous, and I just... relive bad stuff I would rather forget.

A sane person might say "Maybe I should stop going. Maybe I can help out in some other way." Well, sanity just isn't my style.

Or maybe it's that I'm too much like a macho guy. By that I mean that if something scares me, or bothers me, I just seem to have to do it. Afraid of heights? Climb ladders, even though I'm hyperventilating. Afraid of drowning? Learn to swim, then how to dive, even though I'm freaking out the whole time. Afraid of hospitals? Force yourself to go, over and over again till it gets better. Or I go nutso, whichever comes first.

Yes, I know, not very logical, but then that's me sometimes.

So, tonight I was supposed to be there at 8... and I called at 7 and made my excuses. Which are valid. I'm running on less than 4 hours of sleep a night since the middle of last week. Instead, I tried to sleep, couldn't, and called my crazy friend for a reality check.

As expected, she verbally slapped me upside the head and reminded me that "Trying to be Superwoman results in letting everyone down when I drop the ball". And she's right. Prime example: tonight.

I need to figure out what I'm gonna do. Cut back to 2 nights a week? Cut back to 1? None? Cut back to 4 hours each night? Less? Mixture of all?

And maybe I need to get over being so hard on myself.

Ramadaan Lessons

2007-10-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

Whew!

It's been forever since I posted anything on here. I decided to take a mini break from blogs in general during Ramadaan and with some exceptions I was able to stick to that goal.

Insha'Allah everyone had a good Ramadaan. Mine was both interesting and informative. I found that I really like going to Taraweh prayers and having Iftar at the masjid. Doing so gave me time to get in some Quran reading and listening to lectures. Fasting wasn't too bad, as long as I got in a couple of cups of coffee at breakfast. Remembering to take ALL my meds at breakfast will insure my fast is not broken. Don't eat too much for Iftar, lol. Afterwork naps are good and help ya make it through the evening. Immune supressant drugs + fasting ='s Getting Really Sick.

All in all, it was good. I was again reminded that I'm not superwoman, and it's better to not take too much on (thanks, CE!). It's good to baby your immune system when you are fasting, and not start a new round of heavy duty meds during Ramadaan. It's good to take a second and think about your reply, rather than spit out the sarcastism. Losing your temper will cost you three things: embarassment, self castigation, and a day of fasting.

Ramadaan ramblings

2007-09-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hello, lucky readers! (snicker, I've wanted to say that for a while!)

Yes, you are being treated (or is that punished?) to another installment of Rain's Ramblings. Sit back, fasten your seat belt, seats and tray tables in the upright position, hands and feet inside the vehicle, and get ready for a ride.

It's almost Ramadaan (Ramadaan Mubarak, everyone!) and things are chugging along. First, I/We have the "when to start" issue. I looked it up, and I'm going with Saudi. So I'll start fasting on Thursday.

Now, this whole fasting thing...

I understand the reasons for it, and I am sortof looking foreward to it, buuutttt... It is soooo long!! Fajr is at 5 am, Magrib is at 8:40 pm. That's a really long time for me to go without caffeine. I don't need food, I MUST HAVE caffeine. Copious amounts. Or ELSE.

I talked with some of my co-workers about it today, mostly with an eye towards keeping them alive.

Alive, you say?

Why yes. Many days it is only coffee that keeps me from strangling several individuals. I don't mean just normal strangling. I mean the kind where you choke them into submission, let go so they can catch a few breaths, then resume strangling just so they have some inkling of how painful dealing with them is for you.

And alhumdilliah that the guy with alzeheimers finally retired. If I had to help him figure out how to check his email one more time...

One co-worker informed me that she thought I should plan on taking copious amounts of leave, or I might end up in jail. I might have laughed, but she was serious. Another suggested I post a warning on the wall of my cube. Hmmm...

I will be spending my lunch hour trying to read Quran. Insha'Allah I will be able to break folks habit of cubie surfing my way during lunch. Right now I haven't arranged to change my work schedule (i.e. start earlier, shorter lunch, leave early), we'll see how the first few days goes.

I would like to go to the Islamic Center for Iftar, and am planning to go at least 2 nights a week. Same for Taraweh prayers. Another sister and I have plans to break fast together once per week, also. And I might inflict myself on another sister every so often, too.

Other plans include staying up after Fajr to read Quran instead of going back to bed. I would like to get back to sewing in the evenings, instead of running around being a social butterfly. I can listen to Quran over the net while doing so.

I would also like to read a couple of books that were loaned to me and I need to finish and return. One is Kitab al-Tawhid, another is a bio of the prophet (pbuh), another is a historic commentary on Islam.

And finally, I have tons of household chores I have been putting off. I would like to deep clean the kitchen before winter, shampoo the carpets, prepare flowerbeds for winter, repot house plants, finish building my t.v. stand, insha'Allah. Lots of these things can be done while listening to Quran. Not sure if that is islamically ok... guess I'd better figure that out.

The only problems I can see with fasting are the aforementioned caffeine problem and the inhailer problem. The new inhailer I'm on causes mouth sores if you don't rinse after using. Yeah, I know, they all say that, and originally I thought it was hoey, too, but they aren't joking with this one. I used it 3 times one day and woke up with a sore in the back of my mouth. So, I don't know... I don't have to use it every day, it's more random than that, but...

Then there is the whole "does an inhailer invalidate the fast" thing. I researched it last winter, but can't remember exactly what I found out. I better get on it, I'm running out of time!

So, thanks for riding on Rain's Ramblings, you've had your weekly dose of punishment, now go have a cookie. *grin*

Labor Day mini rant

2007-09-03T21:57:00.001-08:00

In honor of Labor Day, I bring you:

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT PAPERLESS DRYWALL
(typed with an epic, anouncer-ish voice to add gravitas)

1. The smell (mold resistant spray??)
2. Heavier than regular drywall
3. Harder to cut than regular drywall (due to glass fibers)
4. Glass fibers stick in your clothes
5. Glass fibers stick in your skin
6. Itching from the glass fibers
7. Breathing in the glass fibers
8. Saps moisture from your skin more than regular drywall
9. Sanding edges makes more dust than regular drywall
10. Makes a funny crackling noise when sinking screws into it

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT PAPERLESS DRYWALL
1. Insha'Allah no mold in walls
2. Harder to dent/damage sides/ends
3. More flexible than regular drywall

This mini rant has been brought to you by DensArmor Mold Resistant Paperless Drywall (copyrighted 2006/2007, Georgie-Pacific Corp., Inc.). Use of this rant, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without written permission of both DensArmor and Rain.

Friday night fun!

2007-08-23T19:28:00.000-08:00

Rain is a bad, bad girl.

I'm not going to class tomorrow night at the masjid.

Instead...

I'm going to a lecture given by Dr. Donald Johanson. THE Dr. Johanson. You know, the one who found the Australopithecus afarensis fossil, "Lucy".

I read his book in 1984 or 1985 and a love of archaeology was born. I haven't really kept up on the goings on in the paleoanthropology world so I'm not "in the know" as to theories and recent finds, but I'm hopefull that it will be an informative lecture.

And please, no lectures about how we didn't evolve from apes. I'm still trying to recoucile my ideas on evolution and my faith, ok?

Ethical Dilemma

2007-08-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

I've been wrangling with an ethical dilemma for quite some time... And in the interest of blog content (and a fresh point of view) here it is.

Several years ago I started working on my senior thesis. The topic was "Tradition, Innovation, and Acculturation in Dena'ina Sukdu'a" (Dena'ina Stories). Basically I collected dozens of stories in both English and Dena'ina from informant interviews as well as published and unpublished collections. I then traced who gave them the stories (in traditional Dena'ina culture a person/group owned a story and it was not told to someone outside their group/heir without some form of payment), how they learned Dena'ina, which dialect they spoke, and in almost all informant interviews asked for specific stories to use as a "control".

My premise was that over time, as the Dena'ina became "acculturated" (i.e. abandoned much of the traditional lifeways, outside subsistence issues), the stories and the storytellers incorporated "western" ideas/items (such as windows, guns, skidoos, etc.) into stories without changing the underlying message.

Things were trucking along just fine until I noticed that some of the stories told by one particular elder changed. I don't mean just changed by incorporating "western" concepts but the events and underlying messages changed.

Traditionally speaking, that just isn't done. If someone develops a reputation for changing stories, they will not be invited to share them or speak at public gatherings. It's basically a public humiliation.

So, what to do? This elder has passed on, but several generations learned Dena'ina from him, he had published/co-authored books, been a major contributor to at least 2 PhD. theses, and was renowned for his traditional heritage.

My advisor wanted me to continue on and present my findings at the local anthropology meetings. A close Dena'ina friend wanted me to continue on but not point out the elder's changes. A colleague advised me to drop it, as it was a lose/lose situation.

In the end I changed my topic, put off finishing school for 6 months, and put the project on the back burner. However, I developed a reputation as someone who collected stories, and periodically someone will contact me and give me one. In the past few years my inventory has probably doubled. When I get a new one I add it to the inventory, categorize it, and do the prelim analysis.

The whole thing was brought up recently when my advisor (who retired) came by work and wanted to know when I was going to finish and present my findings. I hemmed and hawwed, and basically avoided answering the question.

IF I were to finish there could be both good and bad results.

Good includes publishing, stirring up a bit of interest/dialogue, expanding my knowledge via others' input and dialogue, having defficiencies in my thinking/research methodology pointed out to me, and the joy of finishing.

Bad includes cheesing off well respected anthropologists, cheesing off the Dena'ina community, having put things out there with other folks' translations (therefore I can't vouch for their accuracy), and most of all possibly harming the reputation of someone who can't defend themself.

As it now stands, I don't think I should put this out there. I could leave out the changes, but then my results would be skewed. And isn't it unethical to not report the complete research findings? Maybe it's better to just let the whole thing fall by the wayside... Something I learned tons from, and isn't that the entire point?

Hello! Ramble alert!

2007-08-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

Hiya, to anyone who stops by my rambling blog. Yes, I know it has been 2 million days since I posted an entry. I'm sure my friends think I've died and am mouldering away in my apartment... but no such luck, lol! Basically, I am constantly running around with a full schedule.

My boss is on vacation, still, so I am doing my job and hers, too... I've had to go to the M.E. to do some forensics work, but nothing too terrible. I've started attending a class on Friday evenings at the Islamic center/masjid. I'm still gardening with my friend. My 87 year old neighbor has terminal cancer so I am helping her as I can... mostly doing her shopping, light house cleaning, gardening, that sort of thing. I think things are getting close to the end with her, and I'll miss her a lot. I spend my lunch hour working on teaching materials for Project Archaeology and next year's Archaeology Awareness month. I'm mowing a couple of lawns for some pocket money. And I'm working 2 evenings (after work) and every Saturday and Sunday on the remodel. I don't even bother coming home on Friday... I just head to the masjid then to her house to work for the weekend and I come home Sunday night.

This weekend I framed in and installed over 30 feet of soffit. My friend, who has carpal tunnel in her hands and arms, did some work, but for the most part she measured and made sure things were level. I built the soffit in 6 foot sections so I could handle it by myself. I also built a jack system so she could hold one end while I secured the other. And I rewired the new laundry room and hallway lights.

Next weekend I hope to get the ceiling drywalled and at least 1/2 of the walls done. Insha'Allah. My goal is to be done with the downstairs by the start of Ramadan, take that month off, then start on the kitchen.

I really want to take Ramadan and focus on improving my deen. It seems like I am so busy that I'm letting my spiritual development down. When my boss gets back I have arranged to take time off on Fridays to go to Jummah... I've never been! I'm kinda excited about going, lol.

So, my goals/plans for the next few weeks are:
1. Finish the downstairs part of the remodel.
2. Continue going to the Friday evening class at the masjid.
3. Try to go to the Sunday afternoon class at the masjid.
4. Go to Jummah as often as possible.
5. Whittle down my inbox.
6. Organize my bosses cube while she is gone (annual event).
7. Spend more time on Project Archaeology stuff.
8. Rework my flowerbed at the apartment.
9. Catch up on reading Quran, start reading Kitab Al-Tawhid, and the book for Friday class.
10. Breathe!!

And somewhere in there I need to do some truck repairs! It never seems to end! lol

Mini rant

2007-08-07T22:16:00.001-08:00

On Sunday my friend and I were at Home Depot looking at laminate flooring and tiles. Of course the tile we want is not on the shelf, it's in backstock. The guy who pulled two boxes for us made a point of telling us how hard it is to lay tile, and suggested we have a man do it. I'm not sure if he had to pull the big man, little woman trick cause we were women, or cause I was wearing hijab. (probably a combo of both)

Whatever his reason, I wanted to reach over and give the schmuck a smack on the back of the head. So did she. We both decided we deserved a latte for our self restraint.

Memo to the CEO of Home Depot: Chauvinist store associate attitudes will result in head smacks from irate lady remodelers, and potentially lead to loss of sales.

Remodeling (and life) update

2007-08-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

Well, the remodel is going well. I'm working on it every weekend and 2-3 nights a week. Demo is done and we have started framing in the laundry room. All we have left is the diagonal wall that will contain the doorway, framing in the soffit around the air purifier duct work, drywall, texturing, and laying the laminate flooring. I went ahead and cut everything for the diagonal wall, I just need to frame it in and raise it. Once the downstairs is finished, we'll start on the kitchen.

I have to admit, I am still enjoying myself. There is something so... relaxing and fufilling about building. I guess it's seeing a project finished and (hopefully) well done.

Otherwise, not much else going on. Below is one of my best friends photos. It was taken on Exit Glacier Road in Seward, about this time of year. The bears had just got done thrashing his camp. Since they didn't trash my tent, I'd say it was an even trade. Of course, he (and his broken tent) might disagree. ;)

Book tag

2007-07-23T22:59:00.001-08:00

"Old Town" from across the tundra

The beach during winter

Old Town before the 2006 fire

Two beautiful elders!

Today at work I got tagged via email, and I thought I would also post the response on here (mostly to make up for lack of content). So here goes:

Open the nearest book to a random page (I was on page 58 when I check my email). Go to the fourth paragraph, which says:

Fourty-seven ceramic sherds were recovered from a depth of 68-98 cmbd. The ceramics excavated during the course of work can be divided into three basic categories based on surface decoration: plainware, checked/impressed, and curvilinear. The exterior surface had eroded on two sherds, making it impossible to place them into a decorative category. Four sherds fall into the curvilinear category. These are all gravel tempered body sherds. Color varies from black to reddish black, representing varying degrees of oxidation in the firing process. Sherd thickness ranged from 11.3-17.9mm with a mean thickness of 15.65mm. The decoration of these sherds is identical to the curvilinear design on the paddled potsherds from Ahteut described by Giddings; who related that the concentric circles applied to the outer surface of these pots were applied with a paddle with finger holds approximately 35cm long and 5cm wide, incised with three spiraled circles.

So, this is one of the reports I worked on today... regarding the excavation of a site near Hooper Bay (Yu'pik Village, traditionally known as Askinaghamiut [wrong way people/village], now known as Naparyarmuit [stake village people]) as part of a mitigation excavation of a semi-subterranean dwelling (house pit) and burial so that the villagers can have running water and sewer installed in their houses.

When I go out in the field, this is the sort of job I work on... Nothing too exciting, but playing in the dirt is always fun. lol Oh, and cmbd means centimeters below datum (the vertical control used to place artifacts in a 3-D site map). The site itself is dated to circa AD 1500-1650, so about 200 years or so before white folks started hanging around the area for more than a day or two.

Now, I tag anyone reading this... who, of course, wants to!

Asthma sucks

2007-07-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think all insurance companies are sent by shaitan (or as my Grandma would say, da debil). Apparently the new company insurance plan will not pay for a trip to the emergency room if there is a "doc in a box" (walk in emergency clinic) open or unless an ambulance brings you.

Things were fine on the 6th when I drove myself to the E.R. cause I couldn't breathe in the middle of the night. But this past Wednesday my rescue inhailer wasn't working so I had to go to the doc in a box. Who promptly told me I should go to the hospital. It was loads of fun explaining to them that my insurance wouldn't cover going cause they were still open while my lips were turning blue.

I finally convinced them to just try a breathing treatment, even though my blood oxygen was 45. (I wonder if I will miss those dead brain cells? Maybe that's why my memory is so shot... Hey, that can be my official excuse! Take that, everyone! Nyah, nyah!!)

Anyways, the first breathing treatment helped me enough to check my peak airflow (310, btw) which was very sub-par, but my blood oxygen was up to 65, my lips weren't blue (although my nail beds still were), and I could talk again. So we did another, after which my peak airflow was 420 (still sub-par, but better), blood oxygen was almost 100, and my nail beds were almost normal. Bad news is I was higher than a kite.

They kept me for a while (translation: till I was down enough to drive safely), gave me a more powerful rescue inhailer, and basically said not to come back when I'm that bad. And I must say, on the way home my truck hit 70 mph... Basically, I just wanted to get home and crash.

What's weird is that the initial attack was out of the blue and super fast. One minute I was watering the garden, the next gasping like a fish out of water. I probably shouldn't have even tried to drive to the clinic, but I had forgot my cell and... well... What can I say; I'm stubborn and independent, sometimes to the point of madness.

Bad news is my ashtma is still wildly out of control. I'm having to use the new inhailer 8-10 times a day. And my regular asthma doc is no longer practicing here. She gave me a referral, but his appointments lady was... well... I'll just call her a dragon with year long PMS. And he is not a "preferred provider". So I need to get shopping for another doctor. And I better do it quick, cause the new inhailer makes my tongue numb. Which is kinda cool (like when eating spicy foods) but is not good overall.

Good news is that during the whole thing, I kept a calm head and just kept asking Allah to help me and saying the shahada and al fatiha in my head to focus myself. I think it really helped, cause I didn't have a panic attack during or after the asthma attack, alhumdillah.

So, to sum up:
1. My insurance company sucks and may be an agent of da debil.
2. The doc in a box doesn't want me to come back.
3. The ambulances here will not take you unless you are dead, dying, or passed out (learned that during a previous asthma episode).
4. My tongue is numb. Which is cool but bad.
5. My truck will go 70, and not just downhill! *grin*
6. I shouldn't be driving while high on steroids and super concentrated breathing meds.
7. I have a new, shiny, fool-proof excuse for my poor memory.
8. I will absolutely NOT tell my parents or my asthma buddy how bad it really was... cause I haven't been that scared in a long, long while.
9. Focusing on Allah and praying helped me keep calm during the whole thing.

Feeling better

2007-07-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

Alhumdillah, so far today I have been able to get through prayers without having a coughing attack!! Up until today, I've been having to stop and cough/wheeze approximately every 1.5 nanoseconds. Which brings up a question... if a person has a coughing fit in the middle of prayer, do we start over? Continue? I've been continuing, insha'Allah that was right. Almost as good is that I can almost talk like a normal person again. Yipee!

Live Earth and Commune Memories

2007-07-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

All right, I confess, during my drugged out haze on Saturday (and between naps) I "watched" Live Earth. And NO, I wasn't on anything illegal, just meds prescribed for me by the E.R. doc. Now, granted, on Saturday I was totally incapable of having a coherent thought, but I had already formulated some ideas as to how wasteful the whole affair was.

I fail to see how a bunch of rich folks whose every concert creates a bigger "carbon footprint" than I do in a year can teach the average human (let alone American) how to responsibly live a sustainable lifestyle. The cynical part of me thinks that the whole thing was a way for them to soothe their consciences over their decadent lifestyles and to jump on the lastest bandwagon. But, I suppose I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

As most folks know, I am a bit of a greenie. Not to an extreme level, but I try to be aware of my impacts on the planet. I try to buy recycled products, I recycle, I don't use chemicals in my house or on my plants, I have enough plants to offset part of my CO2 emissions (28 in my house alone!), and I try not to make too many emissions by driving a lot. But, once upon a time I was an extreme greenie. And because I am still a little woozy here's a story.

I left home when I was 15. After trying to live on my own for about 6 months, my dad's best friend and his wife let me come live with them. They were unique folks. They were part of larger group who had formed a "commune" and were living "off the grid". The commune folks were a diverse group; one family operated a sustainable fish hatchery, everyone farmed, several practiced traditional animal husbandry.

It was a big change. I went from only answering to myself to having to answer to "parents", the community, and contribute to the whole. No slacking was allowed, we all had to contribute in some fashion.

The folks I lived with had huge gardens, an orchard, raised turkeys, chickens, quail, and goats, and had a hydroponic greenhouse. Their property was in a little canyon with a small creek running through it. Every inch was used for some sustainable purpose: composting, farming, windmills, solar panels, forage, water wheel, fish pond, and timber.

Every morning I got up before dawn, went to the outhouse, let out the chickens on my way back in and collected the eggs, stopped off the help milk the goats, and went in to help make breakfast. Breakfast was homemade bread and butter and eggs. After breakfast the kids would head out to the garden to weed, water, or compost. She and I would start to make bread, or churn the goats milk, or start to wash clothes, or spin and weave. He would head off to work, taking extra eggs or produce to sell at the health food store. After lunch we would all head over to whoever's house for homeschooling. Dinner was usually a loud, laugh filled experience with everyone having to tell something they learned that day and what they were thankful for. Evenings we spent watching the sun set while working on projects.

The biggest change was learning and uderstanding how the mass manufacture of things impacts the environment and with just a little bit of effort a homemade product can be made that will have far less impact. We used the solar panels to heat water. The wind and water mills generated electricity to use and sell and to pump the water up from the creek. We seldom bought food, we grew or traded for just about everything we ate. We traded labor and forage for raw sheep wool that we cleaned, carded, spun, and wove into cloth that we then sewed into clothes. We grew flax for making linen. We got meat from the animals we raised and from deer we shot. We recycled everything... the 5 of us would make 1 paper grocery bag of trash every 10 days or so.

I had never thought about how my actions impacted the planet before I lived there. Sure, I was very aware of the seasons and the chores each brought, but that was about it. I guess I was like every other American kid, traveling in a haze of wants with no idea of their cost.

I eventually went back to high school, mostly because I was missing my friends. But I saw things through new eyes, and couldn't really relate to my peers. I partially attribute this to having lived on my own, and seeing how hard it is to make ends meet; but mostly to a sort of hyperawareness of my environment and a feeling that I should try to improve it. I started a school wide recycling program, I talked the soda machine stocker into giving me all of the 6 pack rings (we made fences out of them!), I joined social responsibility clubs, I got a job teaching troubled kids, I started to really think about what I wanted out of life.

After a year or so I recounciled with my folks, a year after that I moved out on my own again. While I lived nearby I continued to have close ties to the commune folks and to live that lifestyle as much as I was able. After moving away I realized that there had to be a middle road between the extremes of American consumerism and "off the grid" living. I try to follow that middle path as much as possible and make informed choices about things.

I think the celebrities who participated in Live Earth could each do with a year at the commune, too. Nothing like doing without to teach you what you really need and how to walk the talk, so to speak.

Garden Update

2007-07-06T23:04:00.000-08:00

Once again a moose has kicked my keester. Yet another garden has been demolished by a large herbivor. And if it weren't shirk, I would bow down to the temporary supremacy of a four legged eating machine that towers over me in both height and gastrointestinal fortude. And this years loss included a new culinary treat: onions. Who knew that there was a moose out there with an onion craving? The one veggie that is usually safe from their midnight forays has now become the new ice cream cone of the hairy set. *sigh*

Next year my (oh, ok, our) garden will be bigger, better, and have a titanium fence. Money is no longer an object, cause this is war.

2007-07-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I'm doing the wrong job. Other times I think I'm my own worst enemy. I open my mouth and volunteer for the craziest, dumbest, and funnest jobs. Like helping my friend remodel her house.

We started with the downstairs and removed 1600 square feet of scary dusty pink carpet. What would possess a person to pick pink carpet for their house? It was that faux 1980's southwest pink, too. YUCK. Underneath was even scarier 1970's mustard yellow and green tile. Sometimes there's just no accounting for taste.

The previous owners of her house converted the downstairs family room into a series of closets. Apparently they collected coats. (there's no accounting for hobbies, either) So we started taking down closet walls. Normally this would have been easy, but the handyman who built them never met a nail he didn't use. And apparently a 2 foot long header needs 15 nails to "secure" it. At one point we were both hanging from our pry bars trying to pull off a header... it would have been funny if it wasn't so pathetic.

Oh, and I can't forget the glue. Everything got a coating of glue: headers to ceilings, footers to floors, studs to walls, every nail. We ended up cutting the studs, sledging the remainders, and cutting the paneling and ceiling around the rest. Each 2 foot long footer had 5-7 3 inch long concrete nails glued into it. They were a real joy to remove.

So now we've removed all but the largest closet, which forms a fake wall 6 inches out from the real wall of the hallway. Don't ask, I have no idea why. We also pulled off all of the fake wood paneling. As much as the guy liked nails for the walls, he didn't use them for the paneling. All that was holding it on was the trim and crown molding. Yes, crown molding on paneling. I laughed, too.

This weekend we were supposed to finish demo on the last closet and start framing in the laundry room but I've gone and gotten sick. I've been fighting this head cold for a couple of weeks and it finally moved down into my lungs. So now I've wheezing and coughing every 1.5 seconds. Insha'Allah I will be able to go over to her house tomorrow and "stuporvise".

And as much as I mentally whine about it, I'm loving every minute of it. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed doing stuff like this. I used to spend my vacations working on houses with my folks, who flip houses for something to do in their spare time. Right now they are working on a house in Arizona. This month they are doing the kitchen. I was supposed to go down and help them but I couldn't get the time off. Truthfully, I'm not all that bummed out. It's not my idea of fun to do that kind of work in 100 degree heat. Besides, I have my own little project here. *grin*

And with every little job I find myself grinning like a fool and thanking Allah that I have a friend who will let me help her instead of her farming out the work to someone else.

I rock

2007-06-24T01:00:00.000-08:00

Well, no camping for me this weekend. There are several fires within 100 miles of here and the smoke is everywhere. On Friday I couldn't go to work due to smoke and an air quality warning. It was all good, though, cause they were unable to close the air intake at work and the building was filled with smoke. They were sending folks home by 8:30.

I spent the day making screens for my windows. I must say, I rock. I made 3 screens for $4.00 using tulle and rubber cement. My windows are weird in that there is no way to have normal screens, so I brainstormed an alternative that didn't require damaging the window frames. A good side benefit is that the tulle helps keep folks from seeing in, and when combined with my sheers it is completely opaque.

Otherwise, not much going on. Spent today cleaning house and sewing. I had this whole post sort of planned on something I read this week, but can't really remember how it all went together. I gotta start writing this stuff down, cause my memory is getting horrible. What's worse is this is something that really interests me and therefore I shouldn't have forgotten it. lol Oh well, maybe later, Insha'Allah.

Bummed

2007-06-20T22:14:00.001-08:00

I finally admitted today why I have been "off" the past few weeks (oh, ok, month and a half). I've been completely p***ed off at my best friend.

Here's some background:
My best friend is a guy (he's gay). We met at a hostel about... 8 years ago. We're total opposites on some stuff, twins on others. He's been going to South America for about 7-8 months every year for the past 2-3 years (mostly in the winter).

So this past winter he took off and planned to be back after breakup (spring). He came back, only to say "I'm only here long enough to dispose of my stuff, pack up, drive to my parents house, and I'm moving to S.A. for good (or at least a few years)."

He completely threw me for a loop. Here I was expecting him to be all here for the summer so we could do our usual summer trips, and he's leaving?? WTHeck?

So, he's gone. And I'm ticked. And disappointed. And depressed. And happy that he is happy. And wanting the best for him. And wanting to choke him. Did I mention I am happy for him? Arrggghhh.

But maybe it's for the best. He wasn't too keen on my reverting. Although he was coming around towards the end. I guess mostly I was thinking that he would always be around... We used to joke about having adjoining property and being the two scary hermits that folks were slightly afraid of. I'm finding that I don't do other folks changes so well.

And for kicks, here's a list of the things we WON'T be doing this summer:

1. Spring canoe trip (various possible locations).
2. Spring drive up the pipeline haul road to Deadhorse.
3. Memorial weekend camping trip to Katchemak Bay (far side).
4. Camping trip to Petersville (S. side of Denali National Park).
5. July 4th camping week in Seward (He runs the Mt. Marathon race, I cook for the 5-20 folks that show up).
6. Canoe trip on Swanson River/Lakes (40 miles, 2.5 days).
7. Seward again in fall for Harding Ice Field hike and blueberry picking, maybe Kenai Fjords NP.
8. Various locations for berries (2-3 weekends).
9. Fall canoe trip, usually up by Fairbanks.
and
10. Late fall trip to Talkeetna for first northern lights sighting of the year.

Sure, I can do the camping trips alone, but it just won't be the same. Maybe I will go camping this weekend, it might do me good. Now, where? Hmmm... And YES, I know I'm whining and being a big b*tt. So sue me.

Summer time

2007-06-18T22:18:00.000-08:00

Ahhh... Summer is here. Last week started in the high 50's during the day, high 40's at night; by Friday it was high 60's day, high 50's at night. Over the past week I've gone through everything in my house in preparation for last weekend's garage sale. I'm glad to say that just about everything sold! I had a hard time parting with some things, but all in all it was good.

The summer solstice is on Thursday... the longest day of the year. Sunrise is at 4:19, sunset is at 11:42. After the solstice, we'll have another couple of long days, then the light will slowly start decreasing.

This might be a good camping weekend. We'll see. Otherwise, not much doing. Having trouble sleeping (again), but that's mostly due to some personal junk. Well, and the fact that my house is still messed up from going through everything. Getting out of town might be the best thing for me. A chance to get away and reconnect.

I've been thinking about getting a digital camera so I can post some pictures. I'm a horrible photographer, but seems like every day I see something cool that I want to blog about but by the time I get home I've forgotten it. Hmmm... a new camera. Or maybe I should get a new memory. I wonder how much that would cost?

Forensics angst, part nine million and three

2007-06-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

I like my new job. I'm doing some of the things I did at my previous job, and the best part is that I didn't even have to change cubes! And it's nice to continue working with some of my previous co-workers... I already know the office dynamics and how to negotiate most of them.

The only weird thing is I still see my previous boss and forensics mentor. She's a really nice lady, but it still feels odd. I think that is mostly due to my own feelings of inadequacy about giving up on something that I thought would be my life long career.

A couple of weeks ago she came by my cube and wanted to do lunch. Basically, she wanted to find out how I was doing mentally and offer me encouragement in pursuing a graduate degree in forensics. We discussed a lot of things, including me doing some side work over the summer while she is out in the field. I restated the types of cases I am willing to work on, and the ones that I won't. I also reaffirmed that I expected to be paid accordingly for all forensic work, either lab, research, or prep for court.

One of the big things to come out of it was she basically apologized for "throwing me into the deep end". My first three cases were serial killer victims. They were bad, very bad. I don't think she knew how bad until we got to the medical examiners for the first one. I didn't puke, but it was close. The autopsy tech did. So did the X-Ray guy. (As they say, points for me)

Probably the worst death I had seen until that point was when I was on the volunteer fire dept./EMT squad and was called out for a motorcycle vs. semi truck wreck. The thing I remember about that call was pulling up in the truck and seeing what looked like crushed red glass all over the pavement. It wasn't glass. But there is a huge difference between sudden or accidental and violent (or premeditated) death.

While in school, I handled close to 100 archaeological subjects, many of whom died violently. I also sat in on autopsies and spent serious time questioning my abilities. Strangely, I was mostly worried about missing things, not the emotional stuff.

And once again she and I came up against the "empathy wall". As usual, she feels that I need to objectify the cases and stop seeing them a people. As usual, I maintain that my ability to empathize helps me in focusing on the little things that can be missed. We both agree they deserve respect and consideration, just disagree on how much/to what level.

Meanwhile, I pray that no cases come up over the summer, and that any trips I make to the medical examiners are for non-human or archaeological remains.

Awkward is...

2007-06-02T00:37:00.000-08:00

Awkward is having the new person in the adjoining department call you a terrorist when she sees you in your hijab. Things are made worse when you find out that her husband is serving in Iraq. Even more awkward is when you find out that 5 ladies on your floor have husbands in Iraq and seeing your hijab bothers them.

Gotta love my life. Hope I find a way to deal with the situation gracefully.

Gardening in the sun

2007-05-29T21:45:00.000-08:00

I almost took off my hijab on Sunday. It was sunny and hot, and I was outside gardening (read hoeing). I was wearing my lightest cotton one (which does not require an underscarf) with my wide brimmed sun hat on over the top. After more than an hour my head started to itch something fierce. Over the next few minutes it got worse and worse, to the point where scratching through the hijab made it tons worse.

I sat there, scratching and thinking that if I wrapped the hijab around my neck and put my hat on, no one would see anything so it would be ok. After debating for a few (and scratching some more) I decided to pour some water over my head and see if it helped. It did. I finished hoeing, came home, and treated myself to a glass of lemonade.

I gotta figure out something else for the future. It doesn't help that my hat is black, and I have a fairly low heat tolerance. And I gotta get this auto-immune problem under control. Doctors, here I come, again. sigh

Still kicking!

2007-05-25T23:17:00.000-08:00

I've decided to try to blog at least once a week (ortherwise why have a blog?), so here's this weeks installment.

Memorial day weekend is the traditional weekend for planting your garden in Alaska (ok, south of the Arctic Circle). We are almost guaranteed that there will be no more frost, although the nights can still get quite cold (last night it was 45). Since I managed to kill all of the vegetables I started from seeds (pesky persnickity seedlings) last weekend I went to the farmer's market and purchased tons of vegetable starts for my garden, and have spent the last week hardening them off.

A friend and I decided to go in together and share a plot in the communal garden. I've decided to donate at least half of my share to the local food bank and soup kitchen. I love to garden, but just can't seem to eat all I produce every year. Donating gives me a little boost, and helps justify my huge garden. Maybe this year I will can some stuff, too.

When I lived in the commune I spent days canning and preserving our crops. We traded labor for one of those old school trash trucks, cut the back bin off, spent days scrubbing and disinfecting it, then buried it to use as a root cellar. It worked really well, but by the end of the summer it was completely full. Shelf after shelf of peas, beans, corn, pickles, jams, jellies, peaches, carrots, all lined up in their jars, colors of summer to brighten the winter. Garlic and onion braids scenting the air and catching your hair. Bags of dehydrated fruits and veggies to remind us that we all will get wrinkled and grow old.

When I moved to Alaska, I tried having a garden, but I tended to work 2 full time jobs and just never seemed to be able to nurture it along, not to mention hauling enough water for it. One summer I got lucky and lived next to a lake; that was one of my best gardens. I had potatoes, cabbage, lettuce, and broccoli coming out my ears!

This year I hope for enough for those in need and a little left over for me. Insha'Allah.

Misc. Junk

2007-05-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

Hey there all in blogland. (assuming, of course, that anyone is stopping by my blog... which I freely admit is sorely neglected)

Spring is here in Alaska. The trees have a tinge of green on them, and my tulips are blooming. I killed my first mosquito last week... 1,000,000,000,000 to go before the end of summer.

All in all, things are going well. It seems odd for my life to be on a fairly even keel. But, as one friend told me, I make my life 100 times more complicated than it has to be. Otherwise, not much to report. Doing garden prep, enjoying the long sunlight, swatting bugs.

Life's good.

Still kicking

2007-05-03T23:27:00.000-08:00

Howdy to anyone stopping by to see what's doing. Life has been crazy. Here's a random sample:

Quit job.
Got a new job.
Truck died.
Truck fixed, temporarily.
Helping a friend remodel her house.
Shopping for a new vehicle!
Herniated a disk moving the stove to clean behind it.
Currently walking like a 100 year old who forgot her walker.
Bought new shoes!! (2 pair!)

So, out of all of that, I want to talk about my new "choos". I bought 2 pairs of crocs. Yes, I spent way too much money on plastic shoes. But, they are perhaps the most comfortable shoes (other than tevas) my aching tootsies have been forced to wear for many a year.

So, apparently I am a total yuppy, cause I own crocs. And I must admit, I get more stares now than before... Picture it, an old hijabi wearing a wrinkly cotton shirt, jeans, and plastic shoes. Yes, you may laugh, cause I certainly do. And yes, I know I should iron my shirts, but ironing is against my personal ethics.

As for the great vehicle search of 2007, I have no idea what to buy. I want another truck, but the gas prices are a killer. So far my criteria are (in random order): Automatic tranny. Intermittent wipers. Good gas mileage. Rear defrost. Decent clearance. Cupholders.

The only non-negotiable factors are gas mileage and cupholders. As long as it goes, is reliable, relatively cheap, and will last at least 10+ years, who cares? But I will miss my truck. It's been an interesting run... I keep thinking he's got another summer in him, but the mechanic laughed when I suggested it. So, it's time. Darn it. *sniff*

Apologies

2007-04-11T22:02:00.000-08:00

I would like to apologize for the preceeding post... I am debating on removing it, but it seems like I sensor so much of my internal crap on here that I am internally rebelling at the thought of making it go away.

Originally, I wanted this blog to be a forum for me working out my internal junk; not just about Islam, but about my darker issues. The things that I need to say out loud, but have no one to speak them to. The things that sometimes haunt me. But it seems to have become a trite place where I whine about my journey to faith and the minor roadblocks I build in my path. So often I will write a post, review it, and think "I can't blog that! It's too much. It's too raw. It's too depressing."

Seems like I sensor myself, so that I don't offend anyone. And, of course, there is the self applied pressure to "entertain", to be upbeat, to hide the mule train of baggage I seem to be hauling everywhere I go.

I would like to pile up that baggage, climb to the top, and shout "NO MORE!", but I don't have faith in my being able to. After all, talking about it brings it back up, renews it in my mind, brings the sensory memories alive again. And isn't better to shove it down deep, hide it in a dark, cold, damp pit where God willing I will never have to look at it again? And thus is my internal dilemma.

I can only hide things for so long, then it seems like I MUST peel off the lid, give it a good stir, and jump in. Wallow in it. Swim through it. Embrace it. Cause it is my past, my experiences, and I feel a deep need to remember, so that someone does. After all, if I don't remember them, what they went through, who will? For many, I am the last living person that will touch them, and since so many are never identified, no one else will know, really know, their ending. You can read about it on paper, or a screen, but it's not the same.

But now, others will remember that little girl. How little a human life can mean. What some of us have always been capable of. How wrong things are, not just "over there", but right here, in our back yard. Here in America it is often hidden, but it's there... We see it on the news, read about it, but if its not part of your daily experience it seems unreal and remote.

So, the question remains, will my blog go back to being what it was? Or will I remove my self imposed restraints and be honest, truely honest, despite my (and maybe your) reservations. We'll see...

Read at your own risk

2007-04-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

Hello to anyone who continues to stop by my blog in the *apparently* vain hope that I will blog something... or the prayer that I won't. I would like to say that my blogging days are over, but perhaps they aren't.

In the weeks (sheesh, weeks!) since I last posted, things haven't been going well. Work sucks, my life sucks, and my faith is faltering like a freezing butterfly in late fall. My attitude is being severely impacted by the fact that I have gotten about 20 hours sleep since last Friday. I might be a tad depressed today, can you tell? The good news is I am off forensics again, but not before realizing I may have killed the last shred of faith I had in my fellow man. People suck, and right now I think that we as a species should just die. Someday, I hope to be able to sleep again without dreaming.

So, to continue the morbid, tense, and depressing vein of this post, would you care to know one of the bad things I have seen in my life? (that I can legally talk about) READ FURTHER AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!! Consider yourself warned.

Hmm... which to choose, which to choose. I know, the baby.

Once upon a time I was working in a small village in Alaska, one with a large transient worker population. It was late fall, and I was walking along the creek checking out the camps where the workers stayed in the summer. I had my neighbors dog with me, and we were enjoying what could have been the last warm day of the year. The dog was wandering along, smelling all the abandoned junk when he started digging. He uncovered a blue tarp and started trying to get into it. I went over, thinking he was getting into something gross. In getting the dog away from the bundled tarp it opened. Inside was a tiny little baby, still attached to the placenta.

I remember jumping back and screaming. I remember standing there and thinking I should check if she was dead. I remember thinking idiot, she's dead. I remeber sitting down and thinking how blue she was, like some of the blue from the tarp had faded onto her. I remember thinking why me, why did I find her. I remember thinking I better get back to work to tell someone. I remember tying the dog up to a nearby tree, so that nothing would come along and eat her.

The whole way back, I thought about two things. The first was praying that the dog didn't get loose. The second was why? Anyone in town would have taken that baby, she didn't have to die. So I went back to work and we notified the troopers. My boss, some locals, and I went back to get her. We decided we couldn't leave her there till the troopers arrived in the morning. When we got back to the dump site, I remember thinking how beautiful she was, laying there on the tarp with the gold cottonwood and birch leaves drifted over her.

She was the first dead child I ever saw. Wish she was the last. They never did find out who her mother (and I use that term loosely) was. I console myself with the knowledge that it could have been much, much worse. Although I don't know how she died, I know she could have suffered much worse. Some people are evil, and we have no protection from them. Anyone care to trade dreams with me now?

Feminism and Men

2007-03-20T22:02:00.000-08:00

Man, I finally went through all the links on my sidebar, and I am severely out of date. I dub myself the "Blob Slacker O' Da Month". Bad Rain.

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Today they were discussing feminism on the radio. In general, I have no problem with feminism. After all, I have benefited from the movement. I get to vote, I get equal pay, and sexual harrassment is now illegal.

One of my big problems with feminism is that it made it socially acceptable for women to have two full time jobs; the "traditional" job and one outside the home. Seems like the equal division of "home" work fell by the wayside, and it should have been one of the big issues tackled by the movement. And don't get me started on latch-key kids and warehousing them in day care. Sheesh.

Anyways, today they were talking about feminist men... or as I call them, metrosexuals... or namby pamby boys, depends on my mood. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing more frustrating than a guy who grunts rather than talks, but I don't want to spend hours discussing my feelings with a guy. That's what girlfriends are for.

I admire men who support their woman, who considers her feelings and needs, who helps out around the house and with the kids, takes care of business, is responsible, and who in general are not participating in the oppression of women. But nothing bugs me more than a guy who isn't a man. Here's a recent example:

I was driving home from Costco's one night in Feb. I'm stopped at a light when I notice there's a car broke down about a block up the side street. As I'm sitting there this woman gets out and starts walking towards me. I roll down the window and offer to call a tow truck for her, she asks if I can tow her 4 blocks to her hotel. I say sure.

I get there, and there's a guy sitting in the car. So I get out and start hooking my tow chain to my truck, while she talks to him. I'm thinking he's gonna get out and hook up their car, but he just sits there like a log. I'm getting a little ticked, but I crawl under their car and find a way to hook up. I'm thinking "What a loser. Sends his woman out in the cold to get help. Won't get out to hook up his car. Hope my hijab stays on.", yadda yadda.

He finally gets out and says he'll steer their car while I tow. We take off, things go great till we start down this little hill. He slams on the brakes at the bottom, the chain cracks, and we stop. The chain is kaput without a coupler. He asks if I can help push them off to the side of the hill. I say sure, thinking all three of us would push while one of the kids "drove", but oh no. He steered while she and I pushed up the hill.

I once again offer to call a tow truck, she accepts. Then the guy has the nerve to ask if I will give him a ride to their hotel! I said no, I'd give her and the kids a ride, but he should stay with the car. He got ticked off, but I didn't care, I was done with the guy.

I would like to know, what kind of "man" wants to leave his woman, a toddler, and a 6 year old (if that) alone in a freezing car after dark with no cell phone while he goes off and gets warm?? Especially when the kids don't have winter gear on?? (don't get me started on parents who take their kids out underdressed for Alaskan winters) When I got home, the weather channel said it was -15 F without the windchill (probably -30ish with); is it wrong of me to have been glad that he was probably still sitting there?

I wonder what happened to men who are willing to step up to the plate and take care of business; men who think about those under their care and others first. Are they all married? Extinct? Gay? All I can say is spare me from lazy, soft, wimpy "men".

Making Deals

2007-03-19T18:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think changing my thinking is the hardest thing about being a Muslim. For instance, I have long been in the habit of "making deals" with God. You know, the "if You help me do *blank* I will do *blank*" thing. Or the whole "if You change this, I will try to be a better that". Sure it's childish, but sometimes that's me.

One of the things I appreciate about Islam is the knowledge that my life has been mapped out by Allah, and all will unfold as planned. But I still find myself "dealing", sortof in the back of my mind, on a subconscious level. I know it's silly and wrong, but habits, especially bad ones, are the toughest to break.

And as a super control freak, it is immeasurably difficult to place my well being in someone else's hands. Even though I know in my head and heart that Allah is in charge, I still enjoy indulging in the illusion... no, the lying to myself about this.

These are the things I have been working on lately. Whenever I catch myself making deals, I put the brakes on it and say a short prayer. And I am trying to constantly remind myself that I am not in charge, not even of the little things. It's hard, and sometimes I think I'm never gonna get it right, but Insha'Allah I will.

Story time

2007-03-08T20:48:00.000-09:00

So, I was over to Abu Sinan's and he's posting about his experiences in King Salmon (here in Alaska). I have been toying with posting Alaska stories, mostly to make up for the lack of other content. And lets face it, after almost 14 years here, I do have some doozies. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again, my life is pretty boring. And now, the story.

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I was spending the winter in Cooper Landing (on the Kenai Peninsula), living in a 70 year old cabin. I'd gotten lucky that fall in that I was able to upgrade to a cabin that had electricity and didn't put me in the poorhouse. I had no neighbors for over a mile and if you didn't have a snowmachine then you had to walk in for almost a half mile, so it was nice and quiet. It was late March, the sun got high enough in the sky to show over the mountains, and I was feeling spring in the air.

It was really warm that day, about 20 degrees, I had just finished washing clothes and was looking forward to a trip to the bathouse. I had already started the fire and set the snow to melting and decided to make a quick trip to the outhouse. It was only about 200 yards, so I just ran over and left my coat in there.

I was latching the outhouse door when I heard a noise. I spun around and saw a cow moose charging up the path. I jerked open the door, jumped inside and slammed the door about 2 seconds before she rammed it. She backed up, snorted, and rammed the outhouse again. And again. And again. I'm watching her through a crack in the logs, cussing at the top of my voice, mind spinning, knowing I had broken several rules.

She backed off about 40 feet, and I stopped cussing. I figured she would get over her mad and head on off in a few minutes. Wrong. She stands around for a few, then decides to charge again. And again. Then she backed off again. Meanwhile, I'm standing there, severely pissed off at myself.

I had left my gun in the cabin, and although I had looked around before I went into the bathouse and the outhouse, I had obviously missed seeing this moose. Usually I would have brought the gun anyways, but I'd grown complacent. I hadn't had anyone come by all winter, and truth is, since the place was off the beaten path I didn't really expect anyone. And I hadn't seen any animals bigger than a fox all winter.

After a little while, she seemed to lose interest and went back down the path towards the bathouse. I waited, trying to keep warm and wishing I had brought my coat. Eventually I couldn't see her through the cracks in the walls, so I tried to open the door. That was like waving a red flag at her. She came barreling back up the path so fast I barely had time to shut the door.

She didn't head butt the door again (I think she had a headache), but she did snort several times. Then she backed off again. I waited, she waited. She started heading off towards the bathouse again. I decided to wait longer before opening the door, just in case.

I got the door completely open this time, and had even stuck my head outside before she came charging back. I slammed the door and gave her a good cussing. She snorted her response.

By this time I was cold. I was trying to do the "teamsters warm-up" quietly, but that's impossible. Eventually she wandered back down the path towards the bathouse. I waited, doing the "warm-up" a little louder. I opened the door, no response. I stuck my head out, no response. I stepped outside, no response.

I took two running steps towards the cabin and here she came! I tried to turn, slipped on the snow, fell on my tush, and started backpedaling towards the outhouse. I'm pushing back with my feet, trying to push up with my hands, and especially trying to be fast. My back hit the outhouse, I rolled into the door, made a grab for the door rope, and missed.

I could hear her coming and I'm trying to get wedged into the front corner, thinking about what I can use as a weapon. It took about 30 seconds for me to realize that she had stopped. All I could hear was me cussing under my breath and her snorting. Eventually I looked out through one of the cracks, she was standing just about where I fell, giving the outhouse the evil eye.

She stood there for what seemed like forever. Eventually she turned and headed towards the cabin. I decided to sit down and wait. The sun had dipped down behind the mountains a while ago and the temp had dropped probably 10 degrees. I knew I had about 40 minutes til it would be too dark to see, and I KNEW I didn't want to be sitting there with a moose between me and the cabin after dark. Plus, I knew it would be close to 0 degrees by then.

I finally decided that enough time had passed, and I should try again. I stuck my head outside, no moose. Stepped outside, no moose. Took off running towards the cabin, no moose. Jumped up on the porch, no moose. Got the door open, got inside, and slammed the door.

On my way to warm up at the woodstove I glanced at the clock. 3 hours had passed. I'd like to say they were the longest 3 hours of my life, or the most adrenaline filled, but they're not. They are the hours that taught me complacency is a bad habit to fall into. They also helped illustrate that I am not nearly as patient as I think I am.

As for the moose, I think she learned that I was a good candidate for taking her late pregnancy aggression out on. We had several more "fun interactions", but she never again pushed it that far. She hung out for the rest of the winter, and in late April she had twin calves. They stayed around long enough to eat my newly planted garden (after destroying the fence), then I never saw them again.

Recycling News

2007-03-05T19:49:00.000-09:00

Phew, it's been a long time since I posted anything on here. There has been lots going on, but I've just been taking a break from blogs in general. It's hard to not surf the blogs after I've posted on my own... And I was spending way too much time on blogs; like 2+ hours a night!

So, here is a glimpse into the latest. I got my aquarium set up, made it through several ammonia spikes, and this weekend made the rounds of the fish shops to see what was available. I bought 2 goramies, 3 silver dollar tetras, 3 others (I have no clue what they are, except for pretty ;) ), and an pleco. And let me just say it is no fun trying to keep fish warm when the ambient air temp is 0*F and it's 25 minutes from the store to your house. AND I found a home for "the babies" AND the female molly! WHOO HOO!!

I had some sisters over for brunch 2 weekends ago, and it went well. The plants, fish, and my apartment survived 2 toddlers with no major accidents. I had tons of leftovers and the folks at work were glad to snack on them. All in all, it was fun.

The Fur Rondevous (winter carnival) is over, it started 2 weekends ago and ended on Sunday with the start of the Iditarod sled dog race. We had 2 nights of fireworks, and since it's winter you could actually see them. They were beautiful reflecting off the inlet with ice flows breaking up the reflection. The ice and snow sculptures were great, as usual. We had 2 parades, I didn't go to either one. I did go to the ice bowling and snowshoe softball games. The Native craft fair was great, as usual, and I disagreed with the judging for the photo contest, as usual.

I have started a recycling program amongst several of my friends. The deal is that if they will separate out their glass, food cans, paper, plastics, and aluminum cans, I will come by once a month and collect them. I've been collecting paper boxes from work and "modifying" them into recycling bins for folks, to make it easier (and tidier).

The recycling place is only open M-F during business hours, so I am leaving work early every 4th Monday to take stuff by. I sure do wish that we had curbside recycling... it would make things easier. The biggest problem with recycling here is that they have to ship everything outside to Seattle. That means that sometimes when you go to the center, they won't take some items.

What's cool is that you drive into the recycling place, they weight your truck, you unload, and on the way out they re-weight the truck, then you pay the difference. It's kind of expensive, but worth it. Plus, I have convinced one of my co-workers to start worm composting and to take my compostables! This means that I will meet my goal of only creating 1 plastic grocery bag (or less!!) of trash a week. I'm hoping to convince others to try and do the same.

Plus, 3 weeks ago I finally convinced the final person in my office who wasn't recycling to do so, thus saving me from having to sort out her trash on a nightly basis. Now, I just need to get the company who picks up the recycling to start taking glass and plastic bottles. And I want to get more folks that I know to start recycling.

And I've managed to make a post out of recycling the old "doings" in my life. If you aren't recycling, please consider doing so. It's the responsible thing to do.

Fish Therapy

2007-02-18T19:03:00.000-09:00

I may be out of my funk. I indulged in that most American of past-times, retail therapy. No, I didn't go out and purchase piles of useless junk. I went out and bought a new home for my fish. There is something... fun and satisfying about shopping for just the right thing, finding it, and integrating it into your home.

Almost a year ago I discovered how much fun fish are. I started with a betta, and graduated to a 6 gallon tank with 3 guppies and 3 mollies. Well, my mollies have been busy. I now have 3 babies. I tried explaining to the fish that type of behavior was not welcome in my house, but they didn't listen.

So, I posted notices at work, at the pet store, and on Craig's List to see if anyone wanted them. No go. I asked the guy at work who has an Oscar if he wanted them, even though I really didn't want them to die. I tried pawning off the pregnant one, too. They're still here.

So, I bit the bullet and went to petco. I came home yesterday with a 10 gallon tank. I was thinking about it last night and decided that maybe that wasn't big enough. This morning I went back and traded in the 10 for a 20 gallon.

Now comes the hard part. My studio apartment is at most 400 square feet. Between me, the books, the current fish tanks, and the 22 house plants there's not much leftover room. I can't put it on the outside wall, as it's mostly windows and heat registers and the temp changes would be harmful. I can't put it in the kitchen, too small. The "dining nook" is full with plants and my recycling bins. I'm thinking of puting it where the 6 gallon is now, and putting the 6 gallon on the dinette table that I never seem to use.

Now I can have fun setting it up, seasoning it, and planning what types of fish I will get. I'm excited to think that I can isolate the female molly, and not have any more unexpected residents. I'm still hoping to find good homes for the "babies", who I have named "Little Guy, Little Dude, and The FNG". I know that's a horrible name for the newest one, but darn it, I was so ticked when I saw him that I just couldn't help it. But I do enjoy watching him zip around. He's not shy, that one! lol Sometimes all I need to lift me up is thinking about my finned friends and sitting and watching them interact... a little bit of fish therapy.

Am I Capable?

2007-02-16T21:28:00.000-09:00

An anonymous poster asked if I am capable of doing my job when I am distracted by wearing a headscarf. Upon reading my last post, I can see where someone would think/ask that. I would like to point out that I don't cover when I'm at work, but I can see where someone could get confused about that. And despite my obsession with covering on my blog, outside of blog-time I don't stress over it. It is what it is, I'm doing what I can, and insha'Allah that's enough.

As for being capable of doing my job, I feel I am. More importantly, my supervisors feel I am capable; if they didn't I wouldn't be allowed near the lab.

Am I capable of dealing with the emotional issues certain parts of my job raise? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. As I have said before, I have difficulty disassociating myself from and dehumanizing the cases I work on.

I asked to stop doing lab work because I am burned out. I wanted a time away from it, to regroup and reassess my options. I felt that I was becoming... too emotional and unable to leave work at work. I have always been... haunted by the possibility that I might miss something, which has only contributed to the problem.

Fortunately, I should only be doing lab work for a short time, them back to just reviewing, researching, and writing up findings. Still keeping my hand in the game, so to speak, but less hands on.

Totally whiny post

2007-02-13T23:52:00.000-09:00

I tried to fight it, but I have the winter blues. My version is characterized by an intense need to hibernate and hole up in my house. I read, sleep, eat, sleep, and read with short intervals of work. And while I find myself to be more... relaxed and less short tempered with folks during these periods, I also find that the longer they go on the more... self critical I get.

This year I am also having to fight off the temptation to avoid practicing Islam to the best of my ability (not to mention furthering my knowledge). In fact, last week, in a bout of self pity, I had about 60 minutes of "I can't do this, what was I thinking, give it up cause I will never be able to do this, and get over it already-ness" followed by idyllic rememberances of when I was "free". (not real sure what I meant by free, since I still am...) This was followed by thinking "I suck, and am such a whiner, I need to get over it already", which I would label a less than effective pep talk, but sometimes that's as good as it gets.

Plus, I am back to doing forensics. Only part time, but... It's always worse when you have to deal with the family. Or when you can't tell them what they want to hear. Or when they just can't accept it. I used to dread the ones where no one seemed to care, now I long for them. And how pathetic is that?

I'm back... Well, sortof.

2007-02-02T15:34:00.000-09:00

I realized today that it has been forever since I posted anything on here. Just goes to show how boring my life can be.

Lets see... anything new... Well, my coworkers all know I'm Muslim. Most seemed a bit... weirded out, but seem to have recovered. ;) They all pretty much asked the same questions:

You're not gonna become an extremist, are you?
Where's your burqua?
Are you sure about this? (or Are you happy?)

Of course, there were other questions, and lots of strange looks, but no worries.

And I have to say, Allah IS the best of planners. My very first day praying at work (in the filing room) I was coming up from bowing and almost got bonked in the head by one of my coworkers opening the door. I'm still not sure which one of us was the most embarrassed! lol We both apologized, I waited until he was done getting his file, and started over. After work I went by his cube and apologized again and answered his questions.

Anyhoo, he could teach gossiping to a gaggle of women. He pretty much told everyone. I had been so worried about folks reactions, but no need. Like I said, Allah is the best of planners.

"Go North"

2007-01-20T12:45:00.000-09:00

I was sent some information about this arctic science based online teaching program and it seems pretty cool. While I don't have kids, seems like others I know do and also seems like many of them homeschool. So, I'm posting this article and link, cause lets face it, science stuff is cool, especially in the North. ;D

["GoNorth!, an adventure learning program for K-12 students, announces
"Cool Science," an online information source about scientific activities
at the poles, in conjunction with its Chukotka 2007 Expedition, a
16-week, 900-mile dog sled journey in northeast Russia from February
through May 2007. In an effort to get students excited about polar
research, GoNorth! invites scientists to participate by posting
information about their own research on the "Cool Science" page of the
GoNorth! website, visited by 20 million users annually.

"Cool Science" will be launched in February 2007 and will highlight
ongoing scientific research in the polar regions. Scientists interested
in participating should submit a photo of themselves, a short bio
(100-200 words), image(s) that relate to the research project, and a
brief description of the research (300-500 words written in first-person
and in language intended for elementary students). These materials
should be sent to GoNorth! Program Director Mille Porsild
(mporsild@polarhusky.com).

Developed at the University of Minnesota, GoNorth! is a five-year
adventure learning program based in social and natural science curricula
that reaches three million students in over 2,900 schools on six
continents. From 2006 to 2010, the team of educators, scientists, and
explorers is dog sledding to five locations in the Arctic. A 300-page
Curriculum and Activity Guide is developed each year reflecting the
expedition's current arctic locale, its indigenous culture, and a
relevant environmental question. Inquiry-driven and aligned to national
education standards, the curriculum is free to all educators. The online
learning environment delivers comprehensive resources about the region
of travel, collaborative opportunities, live field updates, and field
research findings synchronized in real time to the curriculum.

The 2006 expedition took place in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in
Alaska. Future expeditions will travel to Fennoscandia, Greenland, and
Nunavut, Canada."]

For further information, please go to:
Link

(www.polarhusky.com)

You have to register and tell what grades the kids are in, but it's free. This year is studying sustainable mineral resource development and the Chukchi and Yup'ik peoples of far eastern Russia (and to a lesser extent western Alaska). Also, last years stuff is still available on ANWAR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). So, if you are interested in the high arctic, climate change, or science, check it out.

Hijab

2007-01-20T03:02:00.000-09:00

After much prayer and thought, I've come to a conclusion about hijab.

First, I need to say that "the powers that be" at work are getting out of hand. About 2 months ago a couple of folks in the building put up flyers in all of the break rooms for a Tues. lunch time Bible study. Well, someone with some clout must have been offended and subsequently ensured that they were no longer allowed to do so in the building. I think this is totally wrong and believe that the participants should take it up with the union. But that's their row to hoe.

Mine is about hijab. With a few exceptions, I've been covering in public for a couple of weeks now. The exceptions are when I'm at work and if I run a quick errand afterwards (during which I wear my winter hat and scarf, so I'm sort of covered).

So I've decided to cover all the time, except when I'm at work (and not praying). Yes, I know I'm doing something wrong, and YES, I feel guilty. Yes, I know it's an obligation. But I am just so stressed out about it...

And I wonder is it fair of me to bring religion into the work place? Even the extremely devoute Russian Orthodox lady put away the icon her Mom brought her for her cube. And she makes sure that she doesn't pray when anyone is around (I caught her last year in the filing room...).

But that's where that is, for now. I need to put a hijab and underscarf in my truck for running errands, though. And I've noticed it's about 300% easier to have "eye hijab" when I'm covered, not to mention bad word mouth control. And it's funny, seems like everywhere I go when I'm covered, I run into an acquaintance or former colleague. I expect it won't be too long before the folks at work figure it out.

Armed and dangerous?

2007-01-20T02:21:00.000-09:00

It's official... I need a life. An entire week without a new entry, what's up with that? I've been trying to work out some thoughts about manhood and my definition of a man, as opposed to say... a "girly man", but I'm just not there yet. So, instead, I'll write about guns.

Yes, guns. Although I am not a current gun owner, I have been in the past. Heck, I've had a job selling guns. And, for the record, let me just say that guys seem to like buying guns from a woman. I could read all sorts of things into that, but I'm trying to keep it clean, here. ;)

Once upon a time, before I moved to town, I owned several. I used them to hunt, for protection, and in a weird way, as an investment. Seems like someone was usually on hard times and would be selling one, so I'd buy and when I hit hard times I'd sell one.

When I moved to town I figured I wouldn't need them anymore, so I sold them. And, for the most part, I haven't needed or wanted one. But I always worry about bears when I'm out camping in the summer. If I'm with other folks, no sweat, someone will have a shotgun. If I'm alone, I'm hyper aware. And, there have been a couple of close calls. I mean, REAL close.

Other than shotgun training for in the field, I haven't fired a gun in several years. Do I really need one? After all, I don't plan on hunting anymore. And recreational target practice was never my thing. My folks would be happier if I armed up again, though. For a long time after I moved to town I let them think I still had a hand gun cause they seemed to worry less. They were peeved when they found out I was "without protection". But it's not like before... the police are less than 5 minutes away here.

Maybe I should get one of my friends to go with to the shooting range on my dime. Wouldn't that be funny. A part-time hijabi taking out paper targets. Then again... maybe not.

Coming Out

2007-01-14T20:31:00.000-09:00

This week I fielded my first comments from a fellow archaeologist about my becoming a Muslim. I think it went well, and it helped that she's a former coworker and a friend.

She wanted to know how I could recouncile my faith with my feminist tendencies. Keep in mind that my brand of feminism is old school... you remember, when women wanted equal pay for equal work, the right to work outside the home (and not be harrassed), and in general be treated like human beings. I think I did a good job of explaining women's rights as I understand them based on the Quran. I was also careful to differentiate culture from religion.

Next was how could I support the things that are done in Islamic countries. I pointed out the distinction between what God has taught to the various prophets throughout the ages versus what is actually practiced. I had good examples from the Torah, Bible, and Buddhist teachings. I also had examples from the Hadith and Quran (again, as I understand it).

I think overall it went ok. She seemed to be interested in learning more and was curious how it would affect my life. We discussed lots of different things, even polygamy. Which, of course, brought us back to culture. I reiterated my hopes to stick to religious rather than cultural practices.

What I think helped most is that we are taught to observe cultures and try not to interpret or make value judgements based on our own. And I was careful to keep it light, not intense. And hopefully, "coming out" will continue to go as well.

Sweet and Sour

2007-01-13T20:41:00.000-09:00

Friday was one of those... sweet and sour days. Sour cause I had two back to back full on asthma attacks that were so bad my coworkers called 911. Thanks to Allah my 4th hit on the rescue inhailer finally worked and the 911 folks were not needed.

The sweet was cause I got good news about my job. I might not be a contract employee much longer! A job has opened, and the head of the department came by my cube to tell me and remind me to apply. So, if I have a shiny interview (and insha'Allah) I might be a "real employee"!! Of course, I'll still have to refer to myself as a flunkie, just on principle. ;D

Travels

2007-01-11T23:19:00.000-09:00

Where have you traveled to?

create your own visited country map

Just goes to show I have a lot of the world left to see.

2007-01-09T18:47:00.000-09:00

So far this has been a cr*p week. I averted a suicide scare from a friend, helped the same friend deal with the v.a. (which, btw, is the worst medical institution in the entire history of mankind. Period.) And today, dealt with my mom not once, but twice. At work.

Too bad I wasn't able to avoid the guilt balls. Sometimes I just don't understand that woman. She raised me a certain way, then gripes about how I am. Sheesh. At least I'm a law abiding, contributing member of society, unlike some folks. And I am what I am, so deal. Hmmm... maybe I should call and say that.

And just to top it all off, I wrenched my back moving my bed on Saturday, and can't bend over. So, whine, whine, I need some cheese to go with my whine. Or maybe a grilled cheese... hmmm. Gotta go make dinner. Grilled cheese it is. lol

Various Stuff

2007-01-06T00:50:00.000-09:00

It has been a crazy couple of weeks at work. The office has been running on a skeleton crew (no pun intended) and I have been playing secretary, researcher de jour for the office at large (and clients), office computer teckie, GIS specialist, client intermediary, intern supervisor, and myself. Needless to say, my inbox is close to 2' high now. So... thanks for reading my whine. lol If I remember correctly, Russian Christmas ends this weekend, so hopefully everyone should be back on Monday and things can get back to normal.

***********************
On Sunday it will be two weeks since I took shahada. And I have to admit, it's tough getting in the habit of praying on time. And praying at work so far has been impossible. So I've been rushing home after work so I can pray Zuhr and Asr real quick in an effort to hit Magreb on time. Seems like I'm always rushing it, which is uncomfortable and doesn't feel quite right.

I have almost got Al-Fatiha memorized, and a couple of the shorter verses, thanks to the video I downloaded (thanks Islamicity!!) And a local sister introduced me to a wonderful chat site with streaming vid's and lectures, so I am happily continuing to learn.

Insha'Allah things will be quieter at work next week, and I can pray there... I've decided to pray in the copy room, since I know I will be bothered in my cube, it being on the main aisle and all. It might be mind boggling for some, cause only one person at work knows I reverted (or that I was interested, for that matter). It'll be interesting to see how a bunch of archaeologists and historians take it. Should make for some interesting conversations. I plan on keeping things low key and private if possible. No need to send everyone around the bend if I don't have to... lol

Eid!

2006-12-29T21:16:00.000-09:00

Eid Mubarak Everyone!

And I would like to say thanks to UmmBadier for the timely dawah which helped me "get off the fence" and for answering my questions. Oh, and beware, you will be subjected to more... much more (Mwa haa haa).

This will be my first Eid, and I must admit I still haven't researched it at all. I know, but it's been a horrible work week and I've been vegging at night.

However, in honor of Eid, I went to walmart today and purchased an iron, cause my new hijabs have creases that just won't quit. And I promise not to gripe about having to iron... too much. But I refuse to buy an ironing board. I'll improvise, as usual.

Random Book Stuff

2006-12-26T22:41:00.000-09:00

It's official, I have too many books. So, in an effort to reduce, and to get rid of some of the questionable things in my life, I have pitched out a box of romance novels. Well, ok, my frugal nature won't let me waste them, so I will trade them in at the used book store.

But this brings up a good question. Are romance novels haraam? I mean, other than in a "how can she read that trash, she seemed so much smarter than that" way. I must admit that I don't read the luv scenes, cause lets face it, read one... read 'em all. But I firmly maintain that woman cannot survive on existentialism alone.

And after spending hours a day at work researching and editing (this month its been lipid malabsorbtion in prehistoric populations, Tlingit sites, and the ever continuing Alaskan WWII buildings/facilities), I need a break into some non-reality. And it's hard to get less realistic than romance novels.

That's not to say that I don't read other stuff in my spare time. Right now the pile consists of: People of the Owl, of course the Quran, Salaat from A to Z, There are No Accidents: Synchronicity and the Stories of Our Lives, Forensic Taphonomy: The Postmortem Fate of Human Remains, and Dangerous Tides (romance). Guess which one I read to put me to sleep.

And no, I can't just read one book at a time. Where's the fun in that?

But this brings up a good question. My Quran translation does not have tafsir and from what some folks have said, seems like this commentary is something I need, cause so far I've just been reading it straight and thinking about it as I go along. So, towards this end, anyone have any good recommendations?

And I still have books piled everywhere. I need another bookcase.

And to put me to sleep I read the syncronicity book... which was recommended by my crazy friend. Yes, the same crazy friend who called me today and left a very, very long message where she read me the t.v. guide. That was it, just the guide, no explaination. I was afraid to call back and see what she wanted... she might have started reading me soup can labels.

I sure do know some crazy folks.

2006-12-25T23:11:00.000-09:00

I am a
Daisy

What Flower
Are You?

"You are just a sweet person. When a friend needs a shoulder to cry on, you are happy to offer yours with a box of tissues as well. Once in awhile, you wish you could be a little more dramatic but then sensibility sets back in and you know that you are perfect the way you are."

Marriage

2006-12-24T14:01:00.000-09:00

Ok, I have so much roiling around in my head this weekend it's not even funny. I'm currently thinking about something that has concerned me throughout this whole thing, something that I have, with one exception, spent my adult life avoiding. Marriage.

Now, I have read all sorts of things about Islam and marriage. It's one of the things I worry most about. And on the whole, I think that it's a good thing... for everyone else.

I have tons of issues... Issues which have prevented me from having successful relationships in the past. From emotional detachment to mistrust to having precious few examples of "good" marriages to model my own relationships after to failures to "pick good ones", oh boy, do I have issues. I mean, I haven't even tried to have a relationship in almost a decade. I'm THAT BAD at it.

And the one time I did try marriage, we never even made it to the church. He decided to "help me" with my infertility by springing his 2 month old son on me 10 days before the wedding. Did I mention that she had decided to "give him" to us to raise? Did I mention that we had been dating for more than a year? Did I mention it was my fault for being infertile and not putting out?

He was lucky to survive my wrath, but looking back I realize he wasn't for me. Funny how more than a decade and several thousand miles can make you... if not less bitter, more... calm about it. I mean, I hardly want to run him over with my truck anymore.

I have built a comfortable life for myself... One where I can, for the most part, take care of myself and not depend too heavily on others. When I look off into the future, I see myself, living in a little cabin on a lake somewhere, reading, researching, gardening, and occasionally traveling. I would like to have built a family of friends that would understand my need to spend lots of time alone, but also to occasionally surround myself with folks. Growing old, but still being usefull... hopefully dying in my cabin and not in a home.

Funny, but I have never seen myself married. And since I was a little girl, I've always said I wouldn't have kids. I've thought about adopting (older kids) but worry that I would not be enough for them, or would mess them up.

There are days where I would like to have someone to come home to. I miss cuddling. I miss having someone to worry about, to cook for, to care for. But always, underlying that, is fear.

And I haven't even got to my whole selfishness thing, not to mention my doing what I want when I want.

So, marriage. No way, not now, maybe not ever.

Packages and Snow

2006-12-20T17:54:00.000-09:00

In honor of getting my brand new, beautiful, splendiferous hijabs I feel like posting.

First, isn't it great to get a package? I really like that feeling when you open the mail box and there it is: The Package. Doesn't really matter what it is I get excited. Well, I did get a package once that contained fresh green beans that didn't trip my trigger. I mean, who mails a box of green beans? Especially to someone living in a village that gets regular mail, but boxes have to fit in the plane when and where they can. That was one stinky package.

Second, I love snowstorms. I love the way the air smells, the wind swirls the flakes into impossible patterns, and the patterns the drifting snow makes. I especially love ground blizzards. It brings up fond kiddie-hood memories of piling up snow to make wind and snow breaks. And rushing off the afternoon bus to see if my morning tracks had been filled in and drifted over, or best of all, overfilled and created their own mini snow breaks.

Third, there are over 15 Unangan (Aleut) words for snow. My fav (which I can't spell off the top of my head) translates to "snow falling so beautifully that the wind doesn't blow it". (Which is saying something for the Aleutians)

Which brings me back to hijabs, cause one of them reminds me of late winter snow when it has a dusting of dirt or ash on it and it's almost, but not quite, dirty. You know, the snow that says "breakup is almost here, be patient."

Maybe this storm will drop enough to make for some decent winter camping. Long weekend coming up, and with a little cooperation from the sunspots and weather it could be a good time, inshallah.

To cover, or not...

2006-12-16T10:23:00.000-09:00

I discovered an online hijab store with free (yes, free) shipping, even to here. I was bad. I may have gone overboard. But they were all so pretty. And to make it worse, it was one of those days where I wanted to spend money. Those are the worse possible days to do any shopping.

I've been thinking about wearing hijab a lot this week. I read and re-read the info I've gathered on it. Last night, I went over to my friends house and we discussed it.

My feelings are that I understand the religious reasons. I don't find some of the pro arguments I've read to be particularly logical, but that's me. For me, it boils down to "cause Allah says so". That's it. We can't (or shouldn't) pick and choose which of his guidelines we follow. We either follow them all to the best of our ability, or why bother following any?

Having said that, I'm having problems with hijab. Not with wearing a scarf out in public in general, but in wearing it to work. I am so totally nervous and afraid of loosing my job if I wear it to work. This is partially due to the political and social climate of where I work, and also because I am still in a somewhat tenuous position with my employment contract.

So, I'm discussing this with my friend, and she had some serious questions. I think she had been thinking about this for awhile.

We discussed the pre-Islamic modesty requirements for both women and men and how they have changed over the centuries. We discussed whether Islamic modest dress standards are biased. We discussed why cover the neck, too. She's also worried about the work situation and discrimination (and she ought to know, having dealt with this issue there) and being harassed in general. She wanted to know if I could just wear a snood or cover what the Old Believer Russian Orthodox folks cover or maybe a hat.

So, I am still conflicted. I know its the right thing to do, but... But the whole thing is moot right now. I'm still feeling my way through things, and trying to not get bogged down in the minutiae. And, in the end I guess I will just do what I feel to be the right thing, and try not to worry about possible repercussions.

Compliments?

2006-12-13T18:46:00.000-09:00

Today one of my colleagues told me I am the most pragmatic person she has ever met. I'm not real sure if that's a compliment or not.

2006-12-10T00:35:00.000-09:00

I had dinner with a friend this week and clued her into what is going on in my life. This friend is... odd. What's weird is I got part way through my warm up speech and she busted out with "Are you converting to Islam?" WOW! She threw me for a loop!

She was way cool about it, and had some wonderful, in-depth questions. What's even weirder is that she called me the next day and remembered the entire conversation, and wanted to make sure that I knew she supported me. Oh, and she had a detailed list of questions. I think this is the first conversation in all the years I've known her where she remembered the whole thing (that didn't have to do with aliens or con trails...lol).

*********************
So, I've told all my friends and family about me reverting, except for my best friend. Telling him will be tough.

He is in South America right now and won't be back until after breakup. I'm really worried about what to say. First, he is a guy. Second, he is gay. Third, he is pretty anti-organized religion (being raised Catholic and all...) so all in all I don't expect it to go real well.

There is the whole not spending time with guys thing. We hang out together often... we go camping together, take road trips, and have been roommates. Not real sure how that will turn out. After all, there is obviously no sexual interest, but still.

Obviously, no more living together (and truth to tell, I like finally living on my own). But what about hanging out? What about our annual canoe trip? Our celebratory camping trips?

I don't want to cut myself off from this amazing person who has graced my life. Is there a middle ground? Right now, I feel like I am willing to invest a lot of energy into finding and "walking" it.

2006-12-07T23:40:00.001-09:00

I am having a total breakdown here. Today I found out that insurance is haram. I found this out from a third hand source and I haven't researched it yet, but I am freaking out.

Lets face it, I need health insurance. Besides the asthma, I have an auto-immune disorder, have other long term medical issues, and a propensity for breaking bones (11 so far).

Then there is my car insurance issue. I carry heavy coverage on my truck. Not because I worry about me, but because I worry about the other vehicle's occupants. I've been hit 3 times and each time it did serious injury to the other vehicle. No one was injured, but my truck is so tall that these little cars get wedged under the rear end and I worry. Plus, I used to volunteer as an EMT and saw too many car crashed and the damage that can be done. And I know how expensive a stay in the hospital can be.

So, I don't think I can do without insurance. Nothing like facing an imminent hospital trip to send me into a tailspin and freak me out to the point of hyperventilating. Which is a very, very bad thing. And that's with insurance. Without? I might as well keel over now.

6 Weird Things...

2006-12-06T23:03:00.000-09:00

If you get tagged you need to write an entry of 6 weird things you do. Then you need to tag 6 folks, list their names, and leave them a comment saying "you've been tagged". (my paraphrased version of the rules)

1. I can't use an outdoor toilet without looking down the hole. This made using an outhouse for 8 years rather interesting.

2. Whenever I go in a bookstore, other customers always ask me for help. Strange thing is, I usually know the book they are asking about.

3. Sometimes while I am shopping I have a totally compulsive need to straighten up the shelves. So I do. lol

4. I never drink the last swallow in the can of coke... might be flat.

5. I take my sandwiches apart before eating them. I eat the bread first, then veggies, then cheese, then meat. That's the order of what I like, from least to best.

6. Most of the time I sleep on the floor, rather than my bed. My bed is perfectly comfortable, but the floor is obviously better! lol

I tag: Muhammad, Manooga, Organic, Umm Amirah, Jamila Lighthouse, and I guess that is about it. (everyone else seems to have been tagged)

Promises

2006-12-04T19:29:00.000-09:00

Only 2 weeks until I am free of my promise and can revert.

What promise, you ask?

The promise I made a very good friend who has been holding my hand for over a year.

6 months ago, over a delicious meal of dim sum, we made a deal.

I would enter into a serious period of introspection and study. If, after that, I was still firm in my desires and beliefs, I could and should revert. I would implement monthly changes in my life to reflect my growing beliefs and to reassure myself that I could do this and remain faithful.

Some of the changes have been tough, others have been suprisingly easy. Amongst the easiest: dressing modestly (when I dislike long sleeves), not eating pork, and reading/studying. Amongst the hardest: stopping swearing (still working on this one), telling friends/family (still have to tell my very best friend... not looking forward to that), and "being nice". The hardest has been believing in myself.

She has been totally supportive and understanding, and willing to listen to me voice my mental ramblings as I deal with my self doubt. She has voiced her fears about me using this to isolate myself from friends (this after discussing not associating with non-believers). I'm sure she has more fears/doubts, but we haven't talked about them lately.

So, I look towards the "magic" date with both fear and hope. I know what my heart wants, but somedays my head interrupts. Many days I feel totally incapable of following through and not committing horrible sins on an hourly basis. I'm sure I will totally screw up over and over, but I feel like this is something I need to do.

Random Questions

2006-12-04T19:13:00.000-09:00

I have a queue of random questions:

1. Is Ramadan always in the fall/winter? Seems like since it's based on the lunar calendar, it should move around (approx 13 mo. per solar year).

2. How do you wear a winter hat over a hijab?

3. Do shirts have to cover your tush to be "modest"? (Long torso=problem!)

4. Are the casings on my chicken and turkey sausages made from pork? (the butcher didn't know, so I am not eating, but man, I really like them!!) What about on the chicken corn dogs???

5. Where did they put Jimmy Hoffa? Is there still a reward for the discovery of his remains? If so, my trowel and I are ready to go on the hunt.

Party Dilemma

2006-12-04T19:00:00.000-09:00

Today I was reminded that the office Christmas lunch and Chinese gift exchange is this week. I'm not sure if I should go. We usually end up discussing publications and work, and trading around gag gifts at some restaurant that I don't particularly care for.

I know about not helping unbelievers celebrate their holidays, but does this really qualify? We do the lunch thing several times a year, the gift thing is just this once.

I do know that I could use the lunch money on something else, but it's always nice to find out what special projects folks are working on. And afterwards I always feel re-invigorated to work on my special projects and move them along towards publication.

But it just doesn't feel right. It feels like I would be tacitly supporting the holiday. So, I guess I won't go. And I feel relieved about that. Now, I just need to explain why. That's gonna be an issue.

Blog housekeeping

2006-12-02T21:03:00.000-09:00

Thanks to JamilaLighthouse's blog, I learned how to add links to blogs to mine. Something I've wanted to do for a while, but was too lazy to learn. Now, back to surfing.

2006-12-01T06:49:00.000-09:00

I'm sitting here typing out my whine while I try to determine if I should go to work. I've got a horrible cold, haven't been able to sleep all night, am coughing, can't hear out of one ear, and if making mucous was an olympic sport, I would take both the gold and silver medals.

I'm sitting here praying that I can keep my lungs clear, so that I don't have to go to the hospital again. I'm sitting here mentally cursing the person who came to work sick and refused to cover her mouth as she coughed all over my cube on Monday. I'm sitting here mentally cursing myself that I didn't make a snarky comment to her, even if she is the #2 boss of the place.

I mean, really, isn't covering your mouth something they teach in kindergarten? Along with coloring in the lines and sharing the toys. I may have failed those two, but I sure did pass the covering section. I oughta go in just so I can go and cough all over her cube. But just my luck, this gunk won't have mutated enough to re-infect her.

Vindictive, me? Naw.

Job woes

2006-11-27T22:01:00.000-09:00

It's always hard to tell an employer that you are planning on moving on. I wanted to give my employers plenty of warning, cause we are in the middle of some very big, expensive projects, and it'll be tough for them to find someone else.

It's very hard when they basically give you what you want to keep you around.

I explained why I can't do the forensics anymore. They countered with "We can redefine you job so that it is 7-8% of your time" and "How about no more lab work, only research, writing, and editing?"

It ended with me telling them o.k., lets redefine and see what happens. So, I guess I'm staying put.

Midnight realizations

2006-11-26T18:54:00.000-09:00

It's been an interesting weekend. Still firm in my decision to quit my job, and in fact found an available position in another department. I've started prepping my c.v., fingers crossed.

I went camping friday night. It was way cold (-13 at 1 a.m.) but the northern lights were good. I didn't set up my tent, just hollowed out a shelter from the wind and made a nest. Was awake for most of the night, just thinking. Thinking about my fears, and how I was letting them limit and stagnate me.

There is good news, though. On wednesday I prayed for this transition to go easier. I think that it has already started. I had a total revelation on friday, somewhere around midnight.

I realized that one big thing holding me back from reverting is my fear of folks reaction. I used to not care what others thought about my actions, now it seems that I am totally focused on this. I really don't like that. What has happened to me? Have I lost that spark? Can I get it back? I think I can, but it'll take some work.

The other big thing is my fear that I can't fit the "muslim mold". I have always been sarcastic. I have always said what I thought, although I do try to protect folks feelings. I am blunt. I can be kind, but I don't suffer fools gladly. I expect others to be the same with me. I am terribly independent. I am selfish with my time and space. I tend to not share well. I like being a hermit. None of these things seem to be "muslimish" (or religiousish, for that matter).

Despite all that, I want to try. I think, deep in my heart, that I will fail, but I feel like I must try.

And for the first time I admitted out loud that I believe that Muhammad (pbuh) was a messenger of God. The lights danced in response.

Decision Made

2006-11-24T02:13:00.000-09:00

On wednesday my boss came to my cube and told me that there were two new cases to begin on monday. After she described them I thought "Thank God I don't have to go".

Those words signaled the death knell for my career. Those words signaled that I have admitted that I am not strong enough for this.

So, I came home, ran a bath, and broke down.

The fact that my boss didn't ask me to participate said that she already knew what I had been hiding from myself.

On monday I will talk to my employers, and begin looking for another job. If I can't do it, I need to make room for someone else to do it.

Three years down the drain, years of college, hundreds of hours of study. But the thought of going on monday makes my heart, my soul hurt.

I am such a coward... such a weakling.

2006-11-21T19:05:00.000-09:00

Phew... not broken. I believe the word I want is Alhamdulillah?

Pity party

2006-11-20T22:37:00.000-09:00

Ok, this post is a total pity party for me. Not interested? Skip this one.

So, I think I broke my finger, again. About 17 years ago I had an accident where I cut through my left index at the first knuckle and it was almost completely severed. The dr. was able to re-attach things, but I can't really bend it or straighten it all the way. Plus, I don't have a lot of feeling in it.

On Saturday, I somehow hurt it at Costco. Don't know how, just noticed that it was bleeding. So, I've been babying it for the past couple of days.

So, today I'm juggling a bunch of things and trying to shut the truck door, and guess what got caught in it. I managed to unlock the door, retrieve my appendage, and get me and all of the crap inside, of course bleeding the whole way.

Luckily, the new cut is pretty small. If it's broken, I'll know once the swelling goes down a bit. This'll be the third time for this finger, not counting the initial injury.

I have to admit, this was the perfect ending to a horrible Monday. Can't wait to see what Tues. brings.

Miracles

2006-11-19T23:10:00.000-09:00

Today has been a wonderful, wonderful day.

I'll start with the first miracle: I (think) that I finally got through to my Mom about limited cell phone minutes and how I get charged for 15 minute long voice mail messages... about commercials. I also think I was able to finally get through about how twice weekly 80 minute phone calls are just a little too much family time for me, and can we reduce it to every 10 days or so... unless it's an emergency. Of course, the 5 messages today about the infomercial she watched this morning were all an emergency. lol

Miracle two was me adroitly sidestepping the humongous guilt balls that were warp 9'ing my way after asking for less phone time. Am I good, or what? lol

Miracle three was me finally doing every piece of dirty laundry in the house. (with promptings from Safa's blog about depression and laundry). For a single person, I sure can rack up the laundry.

Miracle four was me finding this video on the web showing how to pray. Sure, I have the book and cd I bought, but the arabic is awfully fast. I watched this video in July and the thing I remembered was the words were spoken kinda slow. So, I've been trying to find it again for a couple of days. Sure enough, its slower, so I downloaded it.

Miracle five was my acid reflux calming down. No more chinese food at midnight for me, I promise! Or at least not without some pepsid on hand.

2006-11-18T17:38:00.000-09:00

Ok, in the interest of being able to comment on my own dumb blog, I have disabled word verification.

Phobias

2006-11-18T14:38:00.000-09:00

Today I realized that I am what I have often chided my coworkers for being: a technophobe.

I'm currently soothing my bruised ego with the platitude that I'm not that big of one. I can, at least, program the timer on my home electronics. And I do use tech every day at work.

What brought this all about was going shopping with a friend for electronics. I want an Ipod, but am to cheap to spend the money. I want a digital camera, but suck at photography so can't justify the purchase. Heck, my cell phone doesn't even take pix. I went with the lowest tech model they had; mostly due to my penchant for somehow thrashing the things in the blink of an eye.

One of the big roadblocks on getting a newer truck is my distrust with all of the computer crap and breakage at the worst possible moment. Granted, I'm mostly settled now and don't cruise all over the state all that often, but still... I know if my truck breaks I can probably fix it myself with little hassel.

Maybe my problem isn't technophobia, its spendophobia on techno.

2006-11-14T22:54:00.000-09:00

Tonight I had dinner with one of my friends that I have "come out of the closet to". We discussed what I have learned so far, and I addressed some of her fears about Islam.

One thing she said really got me to thinking. She thought it was odd that I was so clinical and logical about possibly reverting. She wanted to know why I wasn't more emotional about it.

I thought about it, and explained that this is a life changing decision, one which once made, there is no going back from. I don't think that that kind of decision should be based on emotion. I find emotions to be... too volatile and changeable to use as the sole criteria for this. I find logic and thoughtful reasoning to be more stable platforms.

We discussed my overall... distrust and distaste for emotions in general. I pointed out that I am not very emotional, which promted a firestorm of response. She says I am totally crazy, always in an uproar over something. Her examples were pretty much spot on, which forced me to regroup and rethink.

Yes, I do get emotional about "causes", and I have been known to blow my top. Blowing my top is almost strictly related to work. Nothing bugs me more than someone who doesn't take our responsibilities to the general citizenry seriously and does a less than steller job. As a taxpayer, I find it to be a crime; as a co-worker, I find it to be unethical. As for the "causes" I might be passionate about it today, less so next month.

But maybe I am going about it all wrong. Is this something that I should be more heart-centered on? (do I even know how to do that??) Should I listen less to my head? Can I? After all, that is a skill I have never cultivated. And can I trust a decision this big to emotions?

2006-11-12T19:52:00.000-09:00

I realized today that I have not left my apartment since 6 p.m. Thursday. I love long weekends where I can just chill, read books, make midnight meals, listen to music or watch the diy channel for hours.

I finished reading my "how to pray" book, and read a couple of e-books on the dos and don'ts of islam. Gathered my facts and figures for my "mini info packs" and put together a 10 min. presentation. Started sewing my new abaya closed and decided I needed to borrow my friends sewing machine to do it right... Oh, ok. I admit it, I hate hand sewing. That's why they invented safety pins. Hmmm... maybe I could just use pins?? LOL

I also fielded a 2 hour phone call from my folks. A call during which neither made any reference to my revelation. I sort of got the feeling that they were taking the "don't mention it and maybe she'll forget it" approach. Instead, they ganged up on me about my life.

The litany is unchanging and goes something like this: When are you gonna get a real job. When are you gonna get married. When are you gonna lose weight. When are you gonna get a decent vehicle. When are you gonna forgive your brother and talk to him. Yadda, yadda.

However, my usual ploy worked. I just started talking politics. LOL I started by lamenting the new speaker of the house. My Mom thinks its great that she's a woman and third in line to the "throne". I agreed that yes, it's great she's a woman, but its too bad she has been a supporter of Harry Hay and NAMBLA.

What's NAMBLA, she asked. A 10 minute dissertation and she agreed with me, it's a shame that a public official has ties to a group that advocates having sex with minors and abolishing the age of consent laws. My totally democrate Mom agreed with the republicans about something. Downstairs must have frozen over.

Maybe I should get a job selling ice skates to the massed hoards? Would that qualify as a real job?

Think Globally

2006-11-09T20:38:00.000-09:00

I would like to point out a wonderful and very insightful blog: OrganicMuslimah (see the link at the end).

The other day she had this totally amazing post about factionalizing and personal responsibility. She said some extremely interesting things that has had me thinking for 2 days now.

Todays was about the Israeli shelling of the village in the Gaza Strip and the resulting deaths.

I read about this yesterday, and all I could do was shake my head, sigh, and wonder how they could make such a horrible mistake. (I know that many are saying that it was not a mistake, but I am giving the benefit of the doubt on this)

Sometimes I just don't understand things. I understand that the Israelies believe that they can stop missiles being fired, but I have long thought that their reaction is a case of using a fire truck to put out a match.

I don't pretend to understand the whole conflict. I don't pretend to understand the reactions of those involved. What I do understand is that violence is a tricky thing. So often the victims are those who had nothing to do with the original circumstances.

So, I am left wondering what I can do. I know that I can pay more attention to what the government is doing, I can be less apathetic, I can try harder to unravel how economics impact our foreign policy, and I can try to educate those in my small circle of friends.

Today, I decided to take another step. Instead of giving my monthly payroll charitable contribution to the Red Cross, I decided to find a reputable organization that specializes in helping Palestinians. So, I found one listed on my companies list of organizations, and decided that I could do with one less trip to the movies every month so I could up my contribution.

Next step will be to inform my coworkers about this charity, and encourage them to choose this one. I will use this long weekend to gather info and make a "mini info pack". Rather than email, I will take my breaks next week and talk to folks face to face. I think I will have more impact that way. I'm not sure what my next step will be.

I do know that I need to step up my awareness of how my actions, and inactions, can ripple out and affect the rest of the world. Personal responsibility is something that I have long advocated, now it is time to get really serious and walk my talk.

2006-11-06T18:34:00.000-09:00

This weekend I washed my clothes by hand. Doing so brought up all kinds of memories about when I lived in the bush. Laundry day in the winter occupied not just one day, but a day of prep, a day of doing, and sometimes a couple of days in the drying. From melting the first pot of snow to cracking the ice off the drying clothes, I enjoyed it.

What brought this bout of nostalgia on was thinking how I have gotten so spoiled since I moved into town. Everything is so easy here... Faucets bring water, toilets and drains take it away, electricity provides diversions and light, turn a knob and get heat.

I think I miss feeling that sense of accomplishment and self reliance that I used to have whenever I did something new or difficult. Knowing that I made it through another day, week, winter always brought a smile to my face.

There is a safety net that comes with living with all of the modern conveniences. There really is no consequence if I let the fire go out, or forget to overhaul the chainsaw, or run out of some foodstuff.

I'm not saying that I don't like my conveniences. I like cable tv, electricity, and especially indoor plumbing. It's just that here it's too easy. I've gotten lazy since I moved to town, so much so that sometimes I wonder if I could go and live rough again. Somedays the answer is a resounding yes; other days its a can I have electricity or a fuel oil stove?

Car trouble, truck joys

2006-11-05T19:56:00.000-09:00

I was laughing my tush off today. Why? Cause unlike most folks, I didn't have to scrape the outside of my truck windows. No, I got to scrape the inside of my windows. Ahh, the joys of driving an 18 year old truck. I must admit, that the frost was mostly due to driver negligence, i.e. I forgot to crack the window to quickly equalize the interior and exterior air temps.

Later I was following my friend across town, when her brand new car suddenly died in the middle of a super busy intersection. No problem, I just towed her to a parking lot. Best I could figure is some type of short, which messed with the car's electronics.

So, after driving her home, all I could think about was: Ahh, the joys of driving a (mostly) electronic free 18 year old reliable truck. There's something to be said for low tech, fix it yourself vehicles.

Oh, and thank goodness for Chiltons manuals!!

2006-11-04T15:31:00.000-09:00

Okay, be forewarned, I am subjecting you to a rant. If you don't want to read it, skip my blog for today. You've been warned!

What is it with people who smoke and drench themselves in perfume?

I don't care if you want to kill youself by smoking, but I don't want to be exposed to the chemicals that adhere to your clothing, you... addict!! I think smokers should be quarantined and forced to keep away from me!! They should have to wear a big patch on their clothes i.d.'ing them so they can be avoided. I can't go anywhere without having breathing problems from them and their stupid addiction. When are they gonna outlaw cancer sticks??

And WTH is up with chicks who use an entire bottle of their fav stink du jour? Do they smell so bad without it? If they have a problem, just bathe more often! Do they not have a decent sense of smell? Are they trying to cover up the stench of their smoking with the stench of perfume? And patchouli... do people think it is attractive to smell like mold?? And guys who wear cologne... what's up with that? Do they think it makes them more manly? Do they wanna smell like a girl? (or maybe a really really manly girl!)

I am so tired of it. I try not to inflict my junk onto people, they could do the same. It's getting to where I can't go anywhere without having breathing problems from all of the scents and chemicals. I can be somewhere and a smoker will stand near me for 5 minutes and I will have an asthma attack. And yes!, I have tried changing my meds. I have tried them all, and they become less effective over time.

My worst nightmare is that I will become so sensitive that I will have to become a complete recluse, completely unable to function in the world. Every year it gets worse... every year I am more constrained by my stupid lungs. Stupid, stupid lungs!!

2006-10-31T20:14:00.000-09:00

I went to the Eid dinner on Sunday, and it was not only fun but interesting. I met some nice ladies, got some questions answered, and talked folks ears off (which I am notorious for when I am nervous). I got there early, and almost didn't go in, but... I made a deal with myself that I would go in for 30 minutes, then leave. Next thing I knew, more than 2 hours had passed!

I was thinking today that I am so blessed. Not just in big things, but in the little things, too. Even when things have seemed to be the absolute worst, I survived, and that's the best blessing of all. The solutions may not have been what I wanted or hoped for, but that's o.k., they are what needed to happen.

I know that I have God to thank for so much in my life; and thinking back on things I realize that my relationship with him has been on my part one of fear. Fear that I've screwed things up so badly that there is no hope, fear that I'll never figure out the best way to do things, fear that I'll never get the chance to do it right.

Sometimes I wonder why I need to find "a religion". I remember my childhood teachings that organized religion is bad, yada yada. But then I think about how I tried that, and it never felt quite right. Here lately, it seems like I found something that might fit. But I worry that I might be making a big mistake. Am I going in the right direction?

Telling my folks...

2006-10-29T11:29:00.001-09:00

I finished reading Aale-Imran and Al-Fajr last night. There are some passages of the Quran that totally speak to me, others that I scratch my head over. When I am reading, I will suddenly look up and realize that a huge amount of time has passed. That is a wonderful gift.

One thing that is bugging me about reading the Quran; usually I am able to read a book and basically have it memorized. I can usually remember huge passages word for word, even down to what page and where on the page they are. Not so with the Quran. I've tried to figure out why, and the best I can come up with is that I am worried that I might miss something. I am reading everything two or three times, which is not usual for me.

I talked to my Mom about my interest in Islam and the possibility of converting. She did not take it well. I wasn't really expecting her to. I mostly wanted to clue her in so that it wouldn't be such a shock when/if I do. Suprisingly, my stepdad took it well, considering his own religious background. He was born Jewish, and his whole family converted to LDS when he was little. He's not uberreligious, but he knows the bible backwards and forwards.

I understand that she does not believe in God, and that she believes that we are in hell. We have always disagreed on this. We always will. I appreciate the fact that she and Dad raised me to question everything, especially religion. They had, and still have, some very valid points and insights about religion and how it can impact human behavior. I appreciate the fact that I was raised without most of the social and religious boundaries of my peers. I have done and seen some interesting things because I was able to step outside the "norm" and not limit myself.

However, I have never, nor will I ever, be able to think that there is not a God. I have seen and experienced too many things to think otherwise. This is something we have long agreed to disagree on.

I agree with many of her points about religion and how it can fuel human behavior. But, I have seen too many folks commit heinous acts without the impetus of religion to solely blame. Humans do what they do; if someone wants to commit an act, they will. Sometimes religion can provide the reason, sometimes it doesn't. Is it fair to ignore factors outside religion when judging someone's actions? To do so speaks of hypocrisy and being unexcusably biased.

I tried to explain to her that I am seeking a more personal relationship with God. I explained that I am simply looking for guidelines as to how God expects me to conduct myself, both within society and within myself. I tried to explain that I am not interested in blindly following, that I intend to keep true to my researcher self in this. I have never been big on "Cause I said so", which she ought to remember from when I was a kid.

I think that if she had ever had some personal interaction with any muslims that things would get easier for her. All she knows is what she sees on t.v. and reads in the paper. I suggested some books for her, but she probably won't read them. She's stubborn that way. My stepdad, however, used to work with a brother, and he sounded like he really respected him. My stepdad is big on folks doing their job, being responsible, and being decent human beings. Hopefully, he can help calm my mom down some. We'll see.

Sorry Folks...

2006-10-24T16:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the completely depressing previous post. Sometimes I let my inner junk out just a little too much... but this is something that has been on my mind for some time. Getting lots of pressure from my family and some from work to pick up things again. I'll prolly wait as long as possible, then make a snap decision and go with it til the end. We'll see.

On a lighter note, I was looking at one of the mosque finders and noticed there is a halal pizza place here. Yeah!! So, I google the place, and find it listed in the "pizza, dating, & introduction services" phonebook section! LOL Who knew they were so compatible? So maybe I'll call rather than go by, if ya know what I mean.

Last weeks' big purchase (other than the laptop) was a book and cd on how to do salat. Hopefully it gets here this week. We'll see if the messed up hip will let me do it right. So far, whenever I try I basically end up feeling like an idiot. Plus, its embarrassing how loud my joints crack. Hmmm, maybe cortizone injections aren't so bad...

2006-10-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Phew! Sorry for that long post... just the thoughts going through my crazy head.

On a different note, I realized today that it has been one year since I worked a forensic case. One year since I decided to take myself away from the thing that I once enjoyed and thought I was meant to do... One year that I don't have to face how horrible some folks are to others... One year without obsessing about how someone died, or were killed, or who they were. Wish I could say that it has been one year since my last nightmare.

Am I ready to go back, can I dehumanize them, can I not bring it home, can I give up the dream, can I face myself knowing that I might be able to help stop someone, to help someone's family, can I, can I?

2006-10-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about God and homosexuals. Specifically, I was thinking about all of the gay folks I know. I know some who are in long term monogamous relationships, others who are seeking, and a couple who have chosen to live alone and "not practice".

What got me to thinking about this was wondering about Islam and how these folks are viewed in the religion. I have an inkling that it's not with open arms, which got me sortof angry. I am one of those folks who believes that many gay people were created that way by God. So, if God created them that way, then why are God given religions so anti-gay? If God makes everything the way it is supposed to be, then isn't saying gays are wrong (or insert your own more distasteful adjective) saying God is wrong?

I believe that God made these folks that way for a purpose, I just don't know why. I believe that God did not intend for his messages to be used to persecute gays, or anyone else. I believe that God intended his messages to be used to guide us in how to behave towards each other and towards him. I believe that we will all have to account for how we treated others someday. I also believe that I cannot in good conscious follow a religion that advocates the persecution of anyone, place, or thing.

Almost all of the gay folks I know believe in God; some are deeply religious. One person in particular comes to mind. He is extremely hard working; his father is dead and he has worked 2-3 jobs to support his mom staying home with his younger siblings. He has put some of them through college, bought the family a house, etc. Several of us went camping a couple of summers ago and he and I got to talking. He is deeply afraid he is going to hell, even though he has only had 2 relationships and has decided to spend the remainder of his life celibate. I wonder how someone can remain committed to a religion that has taught them that they are so fundamentally wrong, that has taught them that even if they were to never break a commandment, never commit a sin, that they are still doomed.

I know many of the Bible verses used to scourge gays, and I know that the Bible has been altered, which leads me to think that these verses were and are not accurate. That lack of accuracy is what keeps me from being interested in Christianity as my religion of choice. It is precisely that accuracy that led to my interest in Islam. I haven't finished reading the Quran yet, but this issue is one that I am on the lookout for. I want to know exactly what the Quran says about it, then I will look up the hadiths.

Now, before I get burned at the stake, most of the gay folks I know have been persecuted their whole lives for this, and almost all of them would change it if they could. I know there are folks out there who say that they could pretend to be straight, but those people are idiots. They want people to deny an integral part of themselves, to shun themselves. How damaging would that be? There are already so many people filled with self-hate, hatred at the world, hatred at women, men, you name it, that sometimes I think that we, as a species, are doomed.

As for those who point to the promiscuity within the gay community, I would say that just as many, if not more, straight folks are, too. This is part of a society-wide trend of devaluing intimate relations in the name of choice and freedom. As for AIDS being a scourge sent from God to punish gay folks, I say, get a grip. AIDS may have been first detected in the gay community, but I bet it was present in the hetero community years before, just in smaller numbers.

As for me, I often feel that my desire to convert to Islam is a betrayal of all of my gay friends... I wonder how my choice will impact them? I think they will see it as me tacitly supporting their persecution in the name of religion. Can I live with that?

Is hockey halal?

2006-10-16T11:20:00.000-08:00

This past weekend there was a hockey tournament for the local college team and three teams from outside. Two evenings of hockey, two games each evening; needless to say, I was in heaven. Until, on Sat. night, as I was enjoying my pretzel and soda it came to me, is hockey halal?

I have read online fatwas that say all sporting events are haraam, others say only some kinds are, etc. I came away with a feeling of confusion and basically forgot it. This could be preseason induced amnesia, I can't remeber. lol

What promted this question was an advert on the reader board for getting beer at the concession stand. Now, our local hockey stadium has what is known as a wet and a dry side. The wet sells beer and you are not allowed to bring it to the dry side. In addition, the usual minor/alcohol laws are enforced.

I always sit on the dry side for 3 reasons.
1. I really don't enjoy having my outing ruined by drinkers, who always seem to be a little bit too... happy.
2. Smoking and drinking seem to go hand in hand, and although there is no smoking allowed in the stadium, there is an outdoor smoking area accessible from the bar area. I have severe asthma; smoking and I don't mix.
3. Drinking in this country is out of control... I say that as a former server, bartender, and drinker.

There are drawbacks to sitting on the dry side, such as the approx. 4.5 MILLION unsupervised screaming kids running all over the place, which always promts me to turn into my grandparents and say "When I was a child...", which always prompts my friend who tags along to say "YOU were a child?"

So I understand that muslims are supposed to avoid haraam things and to not go where haraam activities take place, but... No more hockey?? (said in a whiney, high pitched voice with a slight sob and a trembling lower lip) Say it ain't so!!!

This question basically ruined the remainder of the game, which I am sure pleased those around me as I was very vocally supporting the underdog, who won because of their superior passing and offense. ;) So, this question will be #976 on my list to ask when I find an imam to ask. (or work up the nerve to go to the local islamic center)

In the meanwhile, I will attempt to get back to my amnesiatic state.

PFD Time, PFD Time, wonderful, wonderful PFD Time!

2006-10-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

Yes, its every Alaskans favorite time of year, PFD time.
For those of you not in the know, the PFD is the annual Permanent Fund Dividend paid out to every Alaskan for living here. The money comes from the sale of North Slope oil; part of the proceeds were put into a fund and invested, and eventually payments began to be disbursed. The investments are approx 50% in the stock market, and approx 50% in real estate, etc. The annual earnings are divided; part is put back into the fund to "inflation proof it", part goes to the state government, and the rest is divied up amongst us. This year we each receive $1,100.
So, what would YOU do with an extra $1,100? (Well, depending on your tax bracket, more like $880...) This year I will be purchasing a new laptop. My 2000 Gateway has kicked the bucket after years of faithful service. I will probably have to kick in some money to get something decent, we'll see. Pretty anticlimatic, huh? I had planned on saving it for a down payment on a newer truck, but such is life.
One of my friends donates it to one of the environmental groups every year. He hopes it offsets some of the bad karma from drilling for oil. Another friend sends it to his wife's family in the Philippeans. A friend from a village uses it to buy a couple months worth of fuel oil to heat her house. Another will live the entire winter in South America off it.
I gotta admit, tho, I really thought about spending it on hockey season tickets! :^))

Hmmm... Explaination please!

2006-10-10T14:35:00.000-08:00

So, I guess I should explain what searching for means. It refers to my lifelong search for peace, calm, knowing... not just myself, but the world around me. I have spent most of my life studing various things... Something will catch my interest, and I will obsessively learn about it, debate it, think about it, decide if it "fits me" or should I discard it... Sometimes I will come back to something over and over... And so it goes.

I suspect everyone does this... but perhaps not to the extent I do so. My stepfather once said to me, "You're not happy unless you're learning and disecting things..." He could have a point... It took me 10 years to get my B.A. LOL ;) Although in my defense, I took 5 years off to travel...

So, right now I am studying something that has drawn me over and over in my life... Islam. I remember the first time I heard the adnan, I was in Malaysia, and was woken up by the most beautiful sound; I had no idea what it was, but sure enjoyed it every time I heard it. The first time I heard someone pray, I felt like all of my inner turmoil was completely silenced, and all I could hear was my heartbeat. The only other times I have felt that was one very special winter here in Alaska and at a particular Buddhist monastery.

Anyways, the blog is mostly about me verbalizing thoughts about this, and of course my life in general, which is pretty boring but has its moments. So, enjoy, and feel free to comment!

What am I searching for?

2006-10-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

Well, right now I am searching for... hockey home game info and the price for season tickets. I came to hockey late in life, but have become a rabid fan of all things hockey!! I like to watch all ages and abilities, as long as I don't have to watch on t.v. Nothing is worse than trying to watch hockey on the tube. I need the full rink view from an uncomfortable bleacher to really enjoy the game.

I sometimes think that I have transfered my love of football to hockey, mostly cause there is basically no live football to go to here... But, then again, come NFL season I am watching all of the games that I can. I don't care who is playing, I watch 'em all. And I pick who to cheer for based on uniform. I know, how girly of me, but come on! I have a few favs, but if they aren't playing, how else should I pick? But I sure miss going to football games...

The true dilemma is when a football game is on t.v. at the same time a hockey game is scheduled. How do I pick? Well, now that I have the NFL channel on cable, I always always pick hockey. Guess that means it truely is my fav...