Howdy, folks (if anyone still drops by my negelected blog). I freely admit that it has been forever since I wrote anything on here. I have been re-learning the "can't be superwoman" lesson.
I'm sitting here tonight feeling totally guilty cause I didn't do what I said I would. Which is totally horrible of me, and brings up tons of issues for me. You know, the kind where the mental soundtrack plays things like "You're not dependable, you're lazy, you don't keep your word, you suck, you should be doing more, working more..."
But, I just needed a break from things. I feel so worn down; I'm being extra crusty with folks (which is really saying something!), I'm not sleeping again and when I do I'm having nightmares, I'm falling asleep when I shouldn't be (in the shower this morning, at meetings, driving yesterday), and I seem to be always late getting everywhere.
I just seem to have so much on my plate and can't seem to organize my life to keep everything from getting all mixed up. And it doesn't help that I'm a workaholic. Between my two jobs I'm working over 70 hours a week. Throw in the time I help my neighbor (she's dying of cancer and is a shut-in), volunteering for Project Archaeology, and trying to have a social life and my schedule is pretty well booked.
I was keeping everything together fine until recently. There is a sister here who is dying of cancer. She was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago and has asked that there always be someone there with her. The daytime hours are mostly covered but the night coverage is thin. Since I'm a night person I said I could sit with her for 2 nights a week till 1 am (about 5 hours a night).
Well, two nights a week has now morphed into 3... 1 am has morphed into 3 am... and I am just wiped out. I had forgotten how hard it is (both mentally and emotionally) to spend that much time in a hospital. Especially when the person is terminal. And doubly especially when I'm hospital phobic to begin with.
In general, I hate hospitals. I spent months in the hospital throughout my childhood. I spent months with my Dad in the hospital while he was dying. And again with other relatives. And now with my friend. Every time I go there I want to throw up. I get the shakes, I'm nervous, and I just... relive bad stuff I would rather forget.
A sane person might say "Maybe I should stop going. Maybe I can help out in some other way." Well, sanity just isn't my style.
Or maybe it's that I'm too much like a macho guy. By that I mean that if something scares me, or bothers me, I just seem to have to do it. Afraid of heights? Climb ladders, even though I'm hyperventilating. Afraid of drowning? Learn to swim, then how to dive, even though I'm freaking out the whole time. Afraid of hospitals? Force yourself to go, over and over again till it gets better. Or I go nutso, whichever comes first.
Yes, I know, not very logical, but then that's me sometimes.
So, tonight I was supposed to be there at 8... and I called at 7 and made my excuses. Which are valid. I'm running on less than 4 hours of sleep a night since the middle of last week. Instead, I tried to sleep, couldn't, and called my crazy friend for a reality check.
As expected, she verbally slapped me upside the head and reminded me that "Trying to be Superwoman results in letting everyone down when I drop the ball". And she's right. Prime example: tonight.
I need to figure out what I'm gonna do. Cut back to 2 nights a week? Cut back to 1? None? Cut back to 4 hours each night? Less? Mixture of all?
And maybe I need to get over being so hard on myself.
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4 comments:
You are a very good person, but you need to take better care of yourself.
Whew! I can just feel your scatteredness screaming from your blog. The problem is you are taking better care of others than you are of yourself (to back up OM)! Rain, what are you trying to keep so busy for? I have found that typically people who force themselves to stay super busy it is for a reason. You have to delve into what is yours. Although...you would have to slow down to do that! :P Yes, cut back on the days you sit with the sister and see what else you can cut back on as well. And if we dont hear from you anytime soon-Good! :)
(this is all being said with love of course)
ALHAMDULILLAHI RABB'IL AALAMEEN, THE SOLICITUDE AND CARE YOU ARE EXTENDING TO THE AFFLICTED SISTER ARE EXACTLY IN KEEPING WITH THE SUNNAH (PRACTICE) & HUKM (COMMAND)OF ALLAH'S MESSENGER (Sal'Allahu alayhi wa sallam) AS DEWCRIBED IN THE AHAADITH THAT FOLLOW. INSHA'ALLAH TA'ALA, YOU WILL FIND YOUR REWARD WITH ALLAH TA'ALA.
Al-Adab al-Mufrad Al-Bukhari
by Imam Bukhari
[Translated by: Ustadha Aisha Bewley]
1. Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Allah's peace & blessings on him) said, "Allah says: 'I asked you for food and you did not feed Me. He (His slave) will say, 'Lord, how could I feed You when You did not ask me for food and You are the Lord of the universe?' He will say, 'Do you not know that My slave so-and-so asked you for food and you did not feed him? Do you not know that if you had fed him, you would have found that action with Me? Son of Adam, I asked you for water and you did not give Me water.' The slave will reply, 'O Lord, how could I give you water when You are the Lord of the universe?' He will say, 'My slave so-and-so asked you for water and you did not give him water. Do you not know that if you had given him water, you would have found that action with Me? Son of Adam, I was ill and you did not visit Me.' He will say, 'O Lord, how could I visit You when You are the Lord of the universe?' He will say, 'Do you not know that My slave so-and-so was ill. If you had visited him you would have found that action with Me (or you would have found Me with him)."
2. Sa'id (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Visit the sick. Follow funeral processions. Remind yourselves of the Next World."
3. Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "There are three things which are all a duty for every Muslim: to visit the sick, to attend funerals, and to say, 'may Allah have mercy on you' when someone sneezes if he praises Allah Almighty."
As salamu alaikum
May Allah reward you for reaching out to this sister in need.
Ameen.
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